Where I'm At With This Sex Thing

I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to understand. I don't understand me, either. And sometimes, I don't like myself very much, but I'm working on that.

Tonight, I was talking with a friend of mine on FB and in response to one of his questions, I wrote this. It sounded so very spot on, as the British would say, that I thought I'd share it:

Right now, I'm repelled by most everyone, but there was a time, yes, when titties were much more in my thoughts than they are now. And I think that when I started having trouble in my marriage (marriage #2, btw), that I thought that maybe I was just wanting titties or something. That sounds way more simplistic than it actually is. But now, I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Of course, I had this conversation right smack dab in the middle of editing a DoD proposal. I love to edit, but I have had a long day and I really needed some adult conversation, which I received this evening, thanks to my friend who inspired the above and to another FB friend, with whom I had a similar, although not quite as deep sexually, conversation. Not that there was a lot of sexual content to either conversation. Oh, why am I telling you all this?!?

Sometimes, I wonder what we would do without FB. How did we ever survive?

When I talked with Nan the Medical Intuitive the other day, she told me that my not being attracted to anybody right now was my way of taking a break from relationships. Well, maybe, but I think that right now, my heart has been taken out and stomped on, as if it were grapes in Italy and the entire village was trying to make some kind of special celebratory merlot from it. Perhaps it is obvious, but that kind of thing really f'in' hurts. And yet, I realize that my heart was stomped upon by a crappy person. And I'm trying to get rid of those. I really can't see a relationship going on with me. Maybe ever. As BtL's mama suggested, maybe I'll just go it alone. She certainly has, ever since BtL's daddy died when BtL was in twelfth grade. Right now, the going-it-alone option, scary as it is, seems as though it's the best decision I could ever make.