What's Really Important in a Relationship?!?

I'm trying to figure out a lot of stuff these days. Things with BtL fizzled when he returned to his wife. Even though they are legally divorced, he is more loyal to her than many husbands are to their wives. He will always put her first. Or so he has shown me. And so, I have lost a friendship that I have had, off and on, since high school. And so, here I am, right back where I was two years ago, with sons' father (SF), before the online guy (TOG) and before I got way too chummy with someone I had thought was a friend, BtL.

I'm back to a marriage that is satisfying in some ways, but not in others. I will probably stay in this marriage, although the lack of emotional closeness is something I've been trying to solve for years. I think that's the reason for the lesbian kick that I went on (not that I didn't date women before I ever met SF; I did, but a few years ago, I figured that a relationship with a woman would solve our marital problems--sounds crazy, I know). I think it's why BtL and I became such close friends; he listened to me and talked with me emotionally in a way that SF never would have. And I think it's the reason for TOG. I think I've been trying to make SF into a person that I feel emotionally close to, when I don't think that he's that kind of guy.

He is a good father, though, and my kids really like him. I think we all appreciate him much more since the abuse of BtL. Sure, BtL led me on and asked me to believe that he and MSG were divorced, but the reality is that, no matter what the legal documents may say, they are not. And so, he lied to all of us and physically and emotionally abused my sons. So very glad that all of that is over now. He and MSG and their daughter have created their own little crazy world and my sons and I are glad not to be a part of it anymore.

Where does this leave me? I'm not so very sure. I do love what I'm doing and the money that SF makes certainly makes those things possible. Sure, I'm giving up a career and a 401K plan and all the other great stuff that comes with working outside the home, but I'm also raising my boys and that is very important to me. SF certainly makes this process easier or perhaps more accurately, he makes it possible. Perhaps that is why we married each other in the first place.

I am thankful that I am realizing marriage isn't perfect. I am as stuck with SF as he is with me. Maybe that is a good thing. I don't know if any truly happily married people exist. And so, looking for greener grass may just be a stupid thing to do. After all, who would want a woman with three children? And if I can't trust someone (BtL) that I knew in a small rural high school in North Carolina, how likely is it that I will meet a guy in L.A. who is trustworthy? When I am 70, I probably won't care that much about sex. SF is certainly there for the boys and me and for that, I am very thankful.