Strap-On With A Skirt

What's Really Important in a Relationship?!?

2011-12-04T06:20:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to figure out a lot of stuff these days. Things with BtL fizzled when he returned to his wife. Even though they are legally divorced, he is more loyal to her than many husbands are to their wives. He will always put her first. Or so he has shown me. And so, I have lost a friendship that I have had, off and on, since high school. And so, here I am, right back where I was two years ago, with sons' father (SF), before the online guy (TOG) and before I got way too chummy with someone I had thought was a friend, BtL.

I'm back to a marriage that is satisfying in some ways, but not in others. I will probably stay in this marriage, although the lack of emotional closeness is something I've been trying to solve for years. I think that's the reason for the lesbian kick that I went on (not that I didn't date women before I ever met SF; I did, but a few years ago, I figured that a relationship with a woman would solve our marital problems--sounds crazy, I know). I think it's why BtL and I became such close friends; he listened to me and talked with me emotionally in a way that SF never would have. And I think it's the reason for TOG. I think I've been trying to make SF into a person that I feel emotionally close to, when I don't think that he's that kind of guy.

He is a good father, though, and my kids really like him. I think we all appreciate him much more since the abuse of BtL. Sure, BtL led me on and asked me to believe that he and MSG were divorced, but the reality is that, no matter what the legal documents may say, they are not. And so, he lied to all of us and physically and emotionally abused my sons. So very glad that all of that is over now. He and MSG and their daughter have created their own little crazy world and my sons and I are glad not to be a part of it anymore.

Where does this leave me? I'm not so very sure. I do love what I'm doing and the money that SF makes certainly makes those things possible. Sure, I'm giving up a career and a 401K plan and all the other great stuff that comes with working outside the home, but I'm also raising my boys and that is very important to me. SF certainly makes this process easier or perhaps more accurately, he makes it possible. Perhaps that is why we married each other in the first place.

I am thankful that I am realizing marriage isn't perfect. I am as stuck with SF as he is with me. Maybe that is a good thing. I don't know if any truly happily married people exist. And so, looking for greener grass may just be a stupid thing to do. After all, who would want a woman with three children? And if I can't trust someone (BtL) that I knew in a small rural high school in North Carolina, how likely is it that I will meet a guy in L.A. who is trustworthy? When I am 70, I probably won't care that much about sex. SF is certainly there for the boys and me and for that, I am very thankful.

Running to the Pot Store in Tap Shoes

2011-10-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes sex doesn't matter. Sometimes, sexuality doesn't matter. Here I had gone and left tap class early and arranged for SF to babysit, all because I was trying to get to the pot store before it closed. Used to be, when L.A. was a little bit freer, that pot stores could stay open all night. Pharmacies can, after all. Then, some very uptight L.A. city council people decided that they just had to get involved. And of course, they decided that parents, and others, who partake legally of a God-given substance must choose to buy that substance before 8 p.m. I used to be able to do all kinds of things before going to the pot store, doing so only after my children were in bed, or running down to the end of the street before 10 p.m. That's right: 10 p.m.

Those were the days, before the L.A. City Council started trying to control our lives. And so, tonight, I found myself running to the pot store. Literally. Fresh Air on NPR had just signed off for the evening. It was right at 8 p.m. I found a parking space. I got out, still in my tap shoes, tapped down to Burbank Blvd. and turned right, still running and tapping, until I got to the door. One of the black guys who works there opened the door for me. He has a really nice smile. He let me in. I went back to the room where you actually buy the pot. I had wanted to get there because the edibles are two-for-one on Fridays. I ran and I got there. In tap shoes.

Tonight, they had Snicker bars. I certainly like that kind of thing better than smoking. And I certainly like buying it legally, even if the Feds seem to be working with the L.A. City Council these days, trying once again to shut some pot stores down. I love the Snickers pot bars--they are lovely.

And so, I tapped back to the HO and went to Whole Foods, Snickers in the vehicle. Yum.

Sex and Your Ex-Marriage: RDGs 7 and 151

2011-10-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, I was chatting on FB with a guy who is about to be divorced and our conversation inspired me to come up with the following questions to ask Random Divorced Guys (RDGs). They're not really that random. In fact, they are all my friends on FB, although I am quite willing to entertain other, perhaps more truly random, divorced guys and ask them these questions. I am fascinated by relationships, partially, perhaps, because I tend to suck at them. And so, I like to see what went wrong or right. Or maybe I just like asking these questions because they distract me from my current situation, which includes no ideal relationships. Well, as far as adults go, anyway. I sure don't have the adult relationship thing worked out. RDG7, btw, has no children, from what I understand; RDG151 has children.

‎

1) Would you have sex with your ex-wife?
2) When did you get married?
3) How long were you separated and are you now legally divorced?
4) When was the last time that you had sex with your ex-wife?
5) Why did you not want to be married to her anymore? Would you remarry her?

Bonus Question: How big of a factor was sex, the lack thereof, or anything in between, in the demise of your marriage? Please feel free to explain in as much detail as possible. Or sum it up in one sentence or so.

From RDG7

(1) Yes, yummy
(2) 2001, age 25
(3) were separated for a year, have been legally divorced for year and a half
(4) about two years ago
(5) Didn't want to be married any more because we grew apart and marriage got very rough, very hostile on both sides. I wouldn't take back the marriage, but no i wouldn't remarry her.

Bonus: Lack of sex was a symptom of problems, not the cause of them. When I stopped feeling like she had my back i lost interest sexually.

From RDG151
1) yes, but it would have to be no strings attached. like it didn't mean we were getting back together

2) got married in 1997

3) we agreed to separate in Oct 2010, but I didn't move out until Feb 2011. We never filed legally separated paperwork but filed for divorce end of June 2011

4) august 2010

5a) The stress and tension between us was affecting the kids adversely. I don't think there is an easy answer. But it was not the relationship I, or we, wanted it to be. The pain of being together and unfulfilled was greater than the pain and fear of separating

5b) short answer: no

long answer: she would have to change who she is dramatically. she seems happy with herself and I am happy with the direction I am moving. if we remarried, it would be out of fear and in months we would be miserable.

bonus question: the lack of sex was a symptom. we could no longer be there for each other in the way we wanted the other to be there. so lack of emotionally intimacy resulted in lack of physical intimacy.

I am quite fascinated by the fact that both men, who do not, to my knowledge, know each other, had such similar answers to the bonus question. That is, that "lack of sex was a symptom." Both men used the same words to answer the question, in fact, having similar reasons as to why the sex stopped. They differed slightly in how they said it, but both said that basically, the trust, the emotional support, was gone and this killed the relationship for them, even the sex . Both men felt that she was not there for him, that she did not provide the emotional support that he was looking for. We so very often blame guys for stuff and guys so very often get the short end of the proverbial stick in divorces, especially when there are children involved. It's good to hear some real honest emotions from guys. Turns out, guys have them.

Where I'm At With This Sex Thing

2011-09-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

I know I'm not the easiest person in the world to understand. I don't understand me, either. And sometimes, I don't like myself very much, but I'm working on that.

Tonight, I was talking with a friend of mine on FB and in response to one of his questions, I wrote this. It sounded so very spot on, as the British would say, that I thought I'd share it:

Right now, I'm repelled by most everyone, but there was a time, yes, when titties were much more in my thoughts than they are now. And I think that when I started having trouble in my marriage (marriage #2, btw), that I thought that maybe I was just wanting titties or something. That sounds way more simplistic than it actually is. But now, I have no idea what the hell is going on.

Of course, I had this conversation right smack dab in the middle of editing a DoD proposal. I love to edit, but I have had a long day and I really needed some adult conversation, which I received this evening, thanks to my friend who inspired the above and to another FB friend, with whom I had a similar, although not quite as deep sexually, conversation. Not that there was a lot of sexual content to either conversation. Oh, why am I telling you all this?!?

Sometimes, I wonder what we would do without FB. How did we ever survive?

When I talked with Nan the Medical Intuitive the other day, she told me that my not being attracted to anybody right now was my way of taking a break from relationships. Well, maybe, but I think that right now, my heart has been taken out and stomped on, as if it were grapes in Italy and the entire village was trying to make some kind of special celebratory merlot from it. Perhaps it is obvious, but that kind of thing really f'in' hurts. And yet, I realize that my heart was stomped upon by a crappy person. And I'm trying to get rid of those. I really can't see a relationship going on with me. Maybe ever. As BtL's mama suggested, maybe I'll just go it alone. She certainly has, ever since BtL's daddy died when BtL was in twelfth grade. Right now, the going-it-alone option, scary as it is, seems as though it's the best decision I could ever make.

I Need To Be More Of A . . .

2011-09-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Slut. I have decided, in fact, to be celibate for a while, not that my personal state of sexuality is any of your business. Of course. I realize that already, there's a contradiction there. How can I be celibate and more of a slut?

Rule #2: For Rule #1, please check out my Comic Mom journal. Or check it out anyway.

Facial Hair: I really dig that in a guy. For those wondering, I'm leaning more towards guys these days, btw. I'm finding guys more interesting and I'm not sure why. Neither am I sure of my silly rules, such as "Facial Hair." Sure, I dig it, but what if some guy with no facial hair were to surprise me. How would I feel then? I love surprises.

For now, Facial Hair is a good thing, Rule #2. For guys. I sometimes really dig guys with facial hair.

And I think I'm having a contest, "Dinner with Trish" or something. It can be a virtual dinner, via webcam, or a live dinner. Hmmmmm.

I was going to try this on my new Internet radio show, when I take that into my life, but then again, I'm impatient.

The BtL Exit Interview

2011-08-31T19:25:00.000-07:00

As many of you know from my Comic Mom blog, BtL has been a thorn in my side for quite a while now. Having said that, part of me was really digging him. I dug him before I knew I liked girls, before I had really seen anyone else or been with anyone else. I was there when his father was killed. I went to college; he went to work. We drifted apart and I got married and he got married, around the same time. I was pregnant with my firstborn when I saw his aunt at a lawyer's office and she told me that BtL had a daughter; at that time, his daughter would have been around 6.

Daughter's mama (DM) held a prominent place in BtL's life, even after their divorce when daughter was around 3. If anything could get BtL away from the spell of DM, it was certainly the girl he was in love with in high school, i.e., moi. Around four years ago this month, we drove the HO from California to North Carolina. A couple of years or so before, I had seen BtL at the Speedy Chef one night. I gave him a Comic Mom business card that night--he acted more than decent then--and he had been calling me ever since. When I came to visit N.C., at one point, BtL and I were alone and sure enough, he tried to kiss me. I was disgusted by this and told BtL never to call me again. A little over 2 1/2 years later, the cracks in my marriage finally appearing to me, BtL called me and apologized. We chatted. We had a tremendous amount of fun talking on the phone and within a couple of months, I counted him among my best friends, once again. I felt as though I could talk with him about anything. At anytime. Last October, when things ended so very abruptly with The Online Guy (TOG), I had lunch with BtL. We became better friends. Much better friends. He fell in love with me once again, or so it seemed.

It's hard to believe that less than one year later, BtL cannot hold a conversation with me without telling at least 10 or 12 lies. Tonight's "Exit Interview", a term I borrowed from Hilary Winston's My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me, was no different. Keep in mind, please, that less than one week ago, BtL invited the boys and me to his house. He was so extremely nice to me, telling me how he brought up my name often to his daughter. This fact must have been the actual truth, being that when her cell phone died and she needed a new charger on Sunday, she e-mailed me on FB to ask me to contact her daddy. She contacted me instead of her mother, because she thought I would be seeing her daddy; I'm guessing that she has no idea what her daddy has been doing. After a fabulous Thursday night, and lots of talking on Friday, BtL completely and totally cut off contact with me, not even acknowledging the texts or calls I made to him about his daughter. BtL, who was so very much "in love" with me (yeah, right) eleven months ago, now has no desire to see me. At all. Instead, he assured me that he enjoyed talking to DM. His story has certainly changed a lot in the past few days, weeks, and months.

Let us remember also that BtL, and the "L" stands for "liar," works at a public school. I can't help but wonder if he lies to his students as much as he has lied to me and others. Knowing that people like him are in the school system makes me especially glad to be homeschooling.

That's a lot of backstory in this entry, but certainly not all the backstory involved with BtL. Nonetheless, I will move on to tonight's lies:

When I asked BtL why he would keep my picture beside his bed sometimes and remove it at other times, he had told me last Thursday night that he takes it down when he dusts. For a few days, evidently. I am not making that up. He even ran his finger on his nightstand as he was saying this lie, as if he were seeing how well he had dusted.

When I asked him why he has not answered my phone calls since Friday, he told me that "I'm not jumping every time you call." As if! He's not even answering the f'in' phone. But he certainly jumps when DM calls. Every time. His attempts to blame me for his own guilt and misbehavior are no longer going to fly. I'm tired of being lied to and mistreated and manipulated.

BtL would not allow me into his house tonight and I'm guessing it's because DM was in there. Back in March or April, shortly before BtL announced to me that DM was pregnant, she threw a hissy fit, according to BtL, when she saw a picture of the boys and me in BtL's house. I'm guessing that his on and off version of our picture on the nightstand depended on her appearances in his bedroom. Perhaps he did not want her to see my picture beside his bed.

When the boys and I stopped by on Monday night to get some candy that BtL's mama had gotten for the boys, BtL and DM (supposedly disabled and receiving disability and Medicaid, the latter of which SF and I have paid a great deal for in the past couple of years) were unloading mattresses. Yeah, right. A woman disabled with back problems is helping to unload a mattress?!? Uh-huh. And the supposed reason is because BtL needed something besides an air mattress to sleep on because, supposedly, the air mattress he's been sleeping on since January hurts his back. This "hurt" by the air mattress is a rather recent invention, not occurring at all prior to Friday. Could it be that DM, with all her back ailments, is sleeping with him?!? Who knows? Who cares?

And then, of course, there was the very fishy pregnancy (FP): By the middle of May or so, BtL had told me that DM was pregnant. She and her then-boyfriend were supposed to move somewhere but somehow, that supposed boyfriend left her. BtL's behavior toward me started becoming quite funky in May, around the time of the supposed pregnancy. Sure enough, at her mother's funeral around three weeks ago, DM had a maternity-esque shirt on. Tonight, however, when I said something about how it would be hard for DM to find a boyfriend while pregnant (and she doesn't seem to leave BtL alone unless she has a boyfriend), he informed me that she "isn't pregnant" anymore. When I asked when she lost the baby, he informed me that it was "three weeks ago," right around the time of her mom's funeral, it seems. Well, here's the deal: You can do the math yourself, but at any time in August, if she had lost the baby, she would have been well into her second trimester. When I asked if she was in the hospital, BtL informed me that she was not. I started counting on my fingers in front of him. A four month miscarriage (wouldn't that be a stillbirth?) and there was no hospitalization?!? No doctor visit?!? How many miscarriages past the third month are handled so easily and quickly?!? The embryo was already a fetus. I'm not sure what the deal is with all that, but something seems extremely fishy.

BtL seems to be all about BtL these days, forsaking even his own daughter for DM. It would be easy to blame DM here and it's important to remember that I am only writing what BtL was telling me. I have not heard DM's version of the story and when I went to BtL's house the other night, DM did not say a word to me.

Here's the question that I did not ask in today's Exit Interview, which I truly hope that it is: I wish that I had asked that question. And yes, I'm really sorry to be so very blunt. I sure hope that PR isn't reading this, but then again, I don't know how else to ask: Does DM suck your dick?!? I ask this perhaps rather rude question here and wish I had asked it there, because back in December, when BtL was pretending to be "in love," he told me that DM stopped doing that very thing years ago, because she thought he was "dirty." Well, I sure do hope, for BtL's sake, that she has changed her little mind about that particular event.

Whatever the case, I certainly didn't break the DM spell.

BtL used to be a fabulous person, someone on whom I could always depend. He no longer holds that position.

Close Encounters of the Old Boyfriend Kind

2011-08-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

I know that there has been a certain old boyfriend who's certainly been getting a lot of press in TrishComicMom cyberspace lately, but he's not the only guy I've seen lately who has kissed my lips, long before I became a mother. When I was pregnant with Ten, I became even more curious about these old boyfriends, perhaps as a result of what my acupuncturist, Steve the Great at ECCM, calls "root chakra" work. Boy, am I ever doing that kinda work these days.

Holy frijole, I'm really in root chakra territory these days. Yesterday, I talked with one old boyfriend, who is now a preacher, before I went to church, via FB. As strange as that may have seemed, it was not the only old boyfriend presence of the day. Nay, as I was trying to hang laundry on my nifty new clothesline, an old boyfriend drove into my driveway and gave me a watermelon. Wow! From his garden. He'd been meaning to drop it off all summer, he told me, but he'd had some family sickness and he was just now getting around to it. It was the absolute perfect time to give me a watermelon. It was a huge watermelon. I love watermelons.

Preacher man and I did some FB talking about sex, in a very Christian way, of course. It was a little bit weird, but then again, we talked like we always have. I would more than likely feel totally weird talking to any other preacher in the world about sex. But Preacher man and I had a good talk.

I didn't get the feeling that Preacher man is cheating on his wife, or intending to do that, which is refreshing after having so many FB conversations with guys who aren't preachers and who were looking to cheat. Or so it seemed. Or maybe my ego was just wanting to be wanted and I imagined that they wanted to cheat on their wives. With me. Of course.

Sex is a funny thing. I sure don't have it all figured out these days, but I am finding the research quite fascinating.

Refrigerators and Orgasms

2011-07-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote this entry for my Comic Mom blog, but somehow, it would not allow me to post there; so, here 'tis:

Yes, that's what my life has pretty much come down to--having orgasms about refrigerators. Not just any refrigerator, of course, but the brand-spanking-new refrigerator in VV. Please allow me to defend myself for any preachers or others who may not like the fact that a household appliance can cause me such glee:

When you've been without a refrigerator for almost a month, and you're standing in your kitchen, watching the delivery guys place the doors on your new refrigerator, it's easy to see how the thought of an orgasm would cross your mind. My three guys were anxiously watching every move, seeing where they might be able to help, of course. And I played in my high school band with one of the delivery guys, and so, it was certainly not the place to actually have an orgasm, but still . . . I thought about it for a brief and fleeting moment.

Gosh, it's great to have a refrigerator. It's something I really always sort of took for granted. Growing up, we always had one. I didn't really miss having a full-size one in my dorm room because, well, we ate out a lot and my life was filled with pop-tarts and Domino's pizza. Now, with three boys in tow, I have a real appreciation for vegetables. In fact, I have been craving a salad.

Last night, borrowing from next week's grocery money, I spent almost $100 at Walmart, in the grocery section. Sure, I bought a basil plant for $1.00 and a couple of clay planters as well, one of which will house, if all goes well, our newly bought Venus Fly Trap. Otherwise, everything was food-connected, however, and now, we have lettuce and a tomato and a green pepper and cheese and stuff for burritos, which Ten made for supper last night. We have pancake syrup that doesn't leak--just yesterday, I had to clean the cooler and throw out the old pancake syrup, which had leaked all over the inside of the cooler. I have had about three bowls of that tasty salad I have been craving and I may just have another in a few minutes. Ten mentioned last night that he did not want to eat out again. And so, we ate at VV and it was very relaxing to be at our new dining room table, with our homemade food. We also ate breakfast there this morning, before swim lessons, and I don't think that anyone has ever appreciated a homemade breakfast more than we did this morning. We also love that new refrigerator. I adore that thing. And yes, having that thing delivered, plugged up, and working is indeed an orgasmic event at VV.

Good news update: I just now talked with the guy who's doing the documentary on James Shamp. He is planning a flight to North Carolina to interview the boys and me! It is totally awesome. And yes, I'm planning to make him some chocolate chip cookies, in the VV kitchen, the kitchen with that absolutely orgasmic refrigerator.

Some may say my life is pretty darn boring if I'm thinking orgasmic thoughts regarding a refrigerator. Not that I wouldn't be having some orgasmic thinking if I met, say, the totally hot Jodie Foster. But she ain't gonna be in these parts any time soon, I'll bet, and in the meantime, I'll take my lovely and wonderful refrigerator.

Evidently, Christians Can't Sing The Dildo Song

2011-07-20T13:21:00.000-07:00

Look, I didn't grow up saying, "Hey, one day, I'll put new lyrics to 'B-I-N-G-O' and we'll call it 'The Dildo Song," and people will love it, but I'll get into real trouble at church." No, that wasn't quite it. After trying many different things, and succeeding at some, I have finally settled upon comedy as my thing. Well, I write and edit for money, certainly, but when I don't do comedy, I feel somehow incomplete.

Please allow me to start by telling you what happened today; then, maybe the previous paragraph will make more sense. So, the church where I grew up is having Day Camp, starting today. I went and took the boys and was planning to help out when anyone needed me to. I did find it a little odd that when I went into the fellowship hall kitchen to ask what I can do to help, I was told that they had it covered. And then, I found myself very alone while eating, but then again, I do like to be alone; so, I didn't really think too much about that either.

Then, the preacher came to me and said that he and his wife wanted to talk with me for "ten or fifteen minutes." It's "nothing big," he assured me. Yeah, right. So, I was guessing that he was going to talk with me about my separation from SF. The three of us went into his office and he started saying something about how Beauford Shore had said something years ago about my becoming Catholic. Really, what does it matter?!? I am here now. So, I told him that I went to a Catholic church with my first husband, which was true. Btw, the Preacher (PR) was not the preacher then. In fact, the preacher at that time, which was truly years ago, was very cool about the Catholic thing and told Beauford that one day, I may come back to the Baptist church, which is, indeed, what I have done. I don't know why this tidbit of information, told in a golf game years ago to my adoptive father, was brought up today. It was odd and awkward and it felt kind of icky.

And then, the kicker came: PR assured me, with his wife (PRW) sitting beside me, that he had been to my Web site, www.comicmom.com and that it was "R-rated." I can assure you that it badly needs to be updated, no effin' doubt, but "R-rated" it is not. Then, I got "The Dildo Song" question. Actually, this whole conversation lasted about 50 minutes or so in his office and logic, you can believe me, was thrown out the window at about minute 5 or so. PR and PRW assured me that they loved me and did not want to throw me out of church, but really, what's the effin' point of this conversation?!?

Or so, I wondered. I'm still wondering.

Lots of words were said about lesbianism and PR seemed to hate one of the best lines I've ever written: Love + Lust + Liquor = Honda Odyssey. Don't get me wrong: It is an excellent sign that he memorized it so easily. I still get mileage out of that line. But still, to say that God is displeased with my writing of it? And to say, as he did around minute 45 or so, that God does not want me to joke about sex. At all. Or liquor, evidently. Well, I lost a whole bunch of respect for PR, who seems to think he knows a lot more about what God thinks than the Bible actually says. The Bible is not written by Larry the Cable Guy, granted. And yes, the Bible has mostly serious stuff in it, no doubt. And yes, I suppose that, according to PR, I should not have even joked about the Bible being written by anybody but God. You know, God being so very serious and everything. I have heard that PR has said some stuff that has pissed off people and I'm beginning to understand why.

Having said all that, it's really weird that I totally and completely agree with PR and PRW on a lot of things about the church. I'm okay, for instance, with women not being preachers or deacons. I am also okay with the state's not sanctioning any type of marriage; marriage is indeed a holy sacrament between two people and God, and the government needs not to interfere. I question a lot of the stupid stuff that the GAPS (Gay Agenda People) and the whole Gay and Lesbian movement promote. But no, merely because I talk and do videos about some humorous aspects of the whole GAP thing and I do not say what I have to say as seriously as Ann Coulter (not that I agree with her on some stuff, btw), God is displeased. Evidently, according to PR, God is truly displeased when people begin to think. And He is, evidently, displeased when people do stuff, like comedy, that attempts to make people think. I admire what PR thinks he was trying to do, but no, he's not going to tell me how to write comedy. He is no expert on the comedy thing.

Oh, I spent way too much time defending myself in front of PR and PRW, trying to explain comedy and its healing power and such, possibly wasting my breath. I guess, in order to fulfill the supposed rules of God, as PR sees them, that I am supposed to delete pretty much every blog entry I've ever written; certainly, I cannot write anymore about sex. If I understood correctly, and I think that I did, then I am not supposed to joke about sex. Becoming naked and intimate with another person is, supposedly according to God, not very funny. How very sad to see an experience such as sex with such very serious eyes. And how very sad that PR cannot see that I believe probably pretty closely to what he and his wife do about homosexuality and that humor is my way of dealing with stuff.

Okay, at the risk of going against PR's version of God, here's something to think about: I once dated this girl who told me that people in "small towns have small minds." And I have fought that phrase ever since I heard it. I have found that some people in this particular small town are very intelligent and open-minded; some are way more "progressive" (I sorta hate that word, but how else do I say it?!?) on social issues than I am. I have found lots of different kinds of people here and I still don't agree that all people in small towns have small minds. But some do. Some also seem to have no sense of humor. How very sad.

Btw, evidently, the way that PR found out about my videos is that some "teenagers" in church were watching them. Where were their parents?!? My You Tube page clearly states that my videos are for adults. And he seemed to think that anybody who was interested in talking with me about becoming a Christian would take a look at my You Tube page and think that I was not a Christian. Or something. I am getting more confused the more I write about this.

PRW, who was really great throughout this awkward conversation in diffusing the tension (and she actually laughed at some stuff that I said, which I totally and completely appreciated), suggested that I pray that God will help me with this situation, which I'm totally cool with. She also suggested that I talk with her again about this issue and that I talk with the "Christian women" of the church. Oh, but that kind of thing is so very much not my cup o' tea. Can't you just see a bunch of women praying with me about The Dildo Song?!? Oops, I made a joke again. Not very Christian of me, is it?!?

I did bother to mention to PR that he was indeed judging me, but he seemed to think that he was not. I guess he who is without sin can cast the first stone.

Maybe I'll delete all my blog entries and my MySpace page (evidently, they found that, even though I haven't checked it in years and the last time I tried to get into it, my password didn't work and I got discouraged and didn't try to get in anymore). And I guess I better watch what I write and publish. As if the mark-of-the-beast stuff I sometimes edit for a living isn't, to me, more ghastly, scary, and unChrist-like than anything I've written about sex.

And sure, I wish I could work totally clean as a comic--who doesn't want to do that?!? But sometimes, yes, I do talk about sex on stage. I write what comes to me. PR mentioned "Sperm in a Sock," one of my more successful videos, based on a joke that some comics and I came up with at Canoga Park Bowl. That's a funny video and if you listen closely and have an open mind, you'll see that it sorta makes fun of the whole lesbians having children by sperm donor thing. Oh gosh, I could go on defending myself; I could delete every word I've ever written; or I could find a new church.

p.s. PR at one point mentioned the words of Paul in that "if it offendeth my brother if I eat meat, I won't eat meat." That's not the exact quote, btw, but a paraphrase that says I'm too lazy and in a hurry to look it up right now. But I just wanted to find a Christian vegetarian who'd be offended by PR's eating meat (as most Baptists do!) and have him stop eating it.

A lot of people who call themselves Christians have been offended by my writing and if I tried to please them all, I wouldn't be writing anything. PR also mentioned some quote about putting a muzzle on your mouth--oh, that's such a bad paraphrase, but it was something like that, basically telling me, around minute 40 or so, that maybe I should just keep my big mouth shut. Maybe I should. Maybe I should take up cross-stitch or something. Or maybe I should just trust in God and myself and do what I need to do.

Well, Maybe This Is My Payment for Sin

2011-06-28T21:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm being somewhat sarcastic in the title, but really, my heart is totally and completely breaking tonight. Maybe that's what I get for undivorcing SF (Sons' Father) and moving on. Maybe God is trying to tell me something. Or maybe this whole thing has nothing whatsoever to do with God. Whatever the case, someone I used to call BW seems to have really f'ed me over. Big time. I think that, actually, his name will be changed, officially, from BW to BDA. Let's just leave it at that.

Suffice to say, BDA, whom I have trusted, more or less, since high school, seems to have totally and completely f'ed me over. Totally. Completely. I don't know how much detail I want to go into here, but let's just say that the other day, I called him and he was making fun of a text I'd sent him. He was with his Baby Mama and he let her talk for a while, just letting me listen and of course, I finally hung up. There are other things as well. And so, now I'm back to a crappy unmarriage and ambivalence about my sexuality. But most importantly right now, I have lost faith in someone whom I thought I would always have faith in. I'm guessing that God is indeed trying hard to show me something here. The marriage that I have with SF seems quite gone, but BDA is certainly not the person that I thought he would be. It seems as though truth is coming out everywhere. Sure, my heart is broken, but my mind and body will be stronger, as a result.

Can You Ever Leave THAT Kind of Relationship?

2011-06-25T07:19:00.000-07:00

You know, the relationship between yourself and your Baby Daddy (BD)--can you ever leave that? Right now, I am realizing that the relationship you have with your BD, or Baby Mama (BM--and yes, that's an odd abbreviation to use, and so, I will use BD throughout the rest of this entry), is something that's going to continue, for life. I'm reminded of that this weekend, as my sons' BD is coming in for the weekend, even though we're not getting along that great. On the other hand, I don't seem to be getting along that great with anyone these days. There's been a lot going on around the Gingerbread House lately, and not around the Gingerbread House.

I'm not exactly sure what's happening with me these days, but last night, we spent the night with Tish and she got out ye olde Tarot cards. One of the cards that I pulled was about becoming independent and self-reliant. Is that what's in my future? Is that why I seem to be repelling everyone these days? Or am I not really repelling anyone? It's so very hard to figure out what's going on, but it seems that having a BD who's active in my sons' lives may just make for a difficult time of having another relationship. Lovely.

I don't really understand what's going on in the relationship department these days. I'm not really sure even how to describe it.

But we didn't evoke spirits or anything using the Tarot cards last night, in case you were wondering. Last night had a very pajama party feel to it, which I totally appreciated and needed.

We talked about relationships and it's interesting how we both seem to be going through similar things in the relationship department, even though we're in very different relationship places.

I realize I'm not being very detailed with things right now. Maybe more later. We'll see.

Clearing Sexual Clutter

2011-05-27T02:32:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, we are getting rid of clutter at the Gingerbread House. Lately, the boys have been going through lots of stuff, finding lots of treasure. Well, that's what they call it, anyway. But what happens when they find the "fake penises" again (some of you may remember the incident when I was at Canoga Park doing comedy one evening and they found them that night)? They did that very thing a few days ago, somehow dragging those things from where I had thought they were safe and secure. I have been trying to forget that they were there. Now, I have two fake penises in the bag that the Vietnam Vets is scheduled to pick up tomorrow. Too weird for the Vets?!? I doubt it.

For reasons that I won't go into here, those fake penises remind me of what didn't go okay with their dad. Therefore, I'm guessing I should get rid of them. On the other hand, they are mine, with my germs on them--ooh, sorry for that visual. Tomorrow, the Vets should get an interesting surprise, or maybe they've seen this kind of thing a lot. After all, the Valley, home of the Gingerbread House, is the porn center of the United States. Maybe they've seen this kind of thing before.

Sex and Money

2011-03-06T05:15:00.000-08:00

After posting my previous entry on Facebook, Chad, who went to high school in a neighboring county from my high school, asked something about how such a smart person as myself (yeah, right) can be so very confused about sex. Look, I may have a master's degree (which some very not so smart people have, btw), but that doesn't mean that I have all the answers about sex. Even though my M.A. is in English and yes, people in the English department tend to talk about sex quite a bit, mainly because literature is full of sexual references, I certainly don't have all the answers about sex. Also, I've had sex with right many people, guys and girls. Perhaps I've been searching for the answers, but I sure haven't received them. Or maybe I have received those answers and I don't yet know it. I may have three degrees (B.A., B.S., and M.A.), but those degrees do not mean that I have conquered sex.

I do find it interesting, however, that the second chakra has to do with power, sex, and money. Yes, money. All these things go together, evidently. Lately, I have been reading Suze Orman's book, Courage to Be Rich. I don't know how much Orman knows about chakras, but she certainly does make the money/sex connection. Money is so very often tied with our emotions, but we tend not to realize this. My guess is that most of us think about sex and emotions, but not money and emotions. And yet, here my sons' father (SF) and I have been having money problems, almost since the beginning of our relationship.

Much of our relationship has been about control; I don't think that's unusual. Probably a lot of relationships are about control. I think that I felt very out of control after my abortion and perhaps I began looking for somebody that I could control. SF seemed more than willing to be controlled by me; in fact, I thought that he liked it. So, I ended up being a nag to him and we ended up with lots of credit card debt. Also, when the sex ended in our relationship, as it did last fall, things changed and I've been pondering how much we share that doesn't have to do with sex. I'm not sure how much besides sex that we have in common, although on paper, we have a lot in common.

The other day, when I was talking with medical intuitive Barbara Rasor, I learned that smell is very important in a relationship. I have always noticed smell and I've written about how the smell of Beauford and Ann, who adopted me, was kinda weird to me growing up. It's not that they didn't bathe or anything, but that their smell seemed strange to me. When I found my real mother, one of the first things I noticed about her was her smell. I felt very connected to her smell and thought that it was wonderful. I heard once, when I was pregnant with my now-ten-year-old, that if a mother and child are together for five minutes after a child is born that they will remember each other's smell for the rest of their lives. I also remember the smell expert on that radio show saying that maybe the attempts to cover our smells, i.e., perfumes and such, could be partly responsible for the high number of divorces.

Neither SF nor I was wearing much perfume when we got together. Still, I'm not sure what was happening with the smell thing.

I do know that Chad brings up an important point: Even so-called smart people have trouble with sexual stuff. Relationships are hard, as the bartender at the Burbank Moose Lodge told me last November at a comedy show. Sex is a difficult thing to figure out. As long as our souls inhabit a body form, we will be discovering the answers to these questions, if we delve deeply enough. I am delving, slowly, surely, and I'm not sure what I'll find.

So, How Important Is This Whole Sex Thing?!?

2011-01-24T10:48:00.000-08:00

And I don't mean "Whole Sex" as in "Whole Foods," but you probably already knew that.

My question is: can you live with someone better if you have sex with them? What if it is good sex? What if it is not good sex? What if there is no sex? What kind of pressure does sex add to a relationship? I find that I act somewhat differently when I'm with someone with whom I have a sexual vibe. Man or woman, really, but lately I have been really noticing sexual vibes, or lack thereof. I'm not sure if I was just sexually dead for a number of years or if I'm becoming more sensual of things. I certainly have cut down quite a bit on drinking in the last few years. So, maybe the reward for that is being more sensual. I also probably am more attuned to my vibrations than I have ever been.

What if this vibration thing is shaking up some things in my life? I believe that God has given us our bodies to enjoy and yet, sometimes, I have such a fear of my own body and feelings. Why is that? Is it because of how I've been taught to feel about my body? Taught by whom? Myself?

As I prepare to go back to the Gingerbread House and stay for the next few weeks, and as I leave behind people and a place that I love, I am pondering a lot these days.

Back to the Sex Thing . . .

2011-01-18T07:31:00.000-08:00

Here I am, in North Carolina at a completely different place than I thought I'd be last year at this time. Or I guess that's right. I can't say that I'd really planned, but somehow, blaming this on the children, I felt I owed everyone I gave birth to the comfortable suburban lifestyle that I thought was so very essential. Last year at this time, barring any other fantasies, I just figured I'd be a slave to suburbia until my children were grown. Now, I'm seriously contemplating a move from kinky, funky, swanky, scuzzy L.A. to some relatively rural location in the foothills of North Carolina.

So, how big of a deal does sex play in this? I remember writing in one of my journals, sometime during graduate school, that I'd love to be living on a farm with a woman someday. But now that someday may have arrived, I am here, in some kind of strange and fascinating relationship, with a dude. I so can't explain that.

Does it have to do with sex? I can't explain that, either.

So, What Is Great Sex?!?

2011-01-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, here I am, suburban more-than-likely soon-t0-be ex-wife, former lesbian who's now thinking I know enough about sex that I can give advice. Oh, it's not anything super duper deep or anything, more like a general "always fuck your husband" kinda thing. (The guys really dug this part of my blog, btw.) Yes, I did give that advice, backing it up with the Biblical "Wives submit to your husband" thing. But lately, I've not been adhering to my own advice. That's all I'm saying about sex right now, but I will say that Mr. Thinking Mama and I are contemplating a divorce, in the midst of a separation. What does this mean?!? Why did I not follow my own advice?!? Or did I actually follow it and then, things didn't work out anyway?!?

Oh, the many questions accompanying my recent separation from Mr. Thinking Mama. How important is sex in a relationship? And what happens when sex and other things aren't working out?

So, is great sex the kind of thing that can happen with anyone, at anytime? Or does it take a special person? And what if that special person somehow does not fill the "great sex" role? Then, should someone stay in the relationship?

Prop. 8--That Again?!?

2010-08-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

And so, the Gay Agenda Persons (GAPs) are now up in arms about the fact that most Californians wish to keep state-approved marriage between a man and a woman, instead of f'in' with one of the most sacred and religious institutions in all of human history. Until today, when I felt the need to defend my position for Prop. 8, which said that state-approved marriage should only be between a man and a woman, I usually thought something like, Well, it's been that way for centuries! Or, This is a common sense matter! But then again, I was raised in the rural South and as a result, I probably have a bit more common sense than most of your average Californians. As a former English teacher, however, I found it disappointing that I had not made a coherent argument, as a freedom-oriented person, regarding this whole "gay marriage" travesty, which has become some kind of litmus test for being a true "GLBT," i.e., "gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transexual." Yes, I love all the lumping together that GAPs do; it's lovely, really. And try going into a bunch of lesbians or gay men and announcing that you're for Prop. 8. You probably won't find much intelligent debate in that gathering. It seems as though if you're gay, gay-friendly, or anything but a huge homophobe, in the GAP world anyway, that you simply have to be for state-approved gay "marriage." I'm not for state-approved heterosexual marriage, and if Mr. Thinking Mama and I had it to do over again, I'd not feel the need to have the state put a stamp on our relationship. Why GAPs feel that the state must put one on theirs is beyond me. Marriage is a religious institution that was private for centuries before the government started taking it over more than a century ago. I do believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, but that does not make me a homophobe, except, of course, in GAPland.

Whatever your view of Prop. 8, it should scare everyone that one judge can overturn a proposition so easily and quickly, all by his lonesome (although this judge had lots of support from the GAPs), as happened earlier this week.

And so, today, I ran across this article from the very libertarian Justin Raimondo. I really agree with what he has to say and I especially like Justin's use of the quote from Camille Paglia:

As Camille Paglia points out:

I think [gay marriage] is a flash point for antigay backlash…. That’s the problem: calling it a marriage. If you ask the working class guy on the street, ‘Do you believe in gay marriages?’ it makes him absolutely have a convulsion of revulsion. Marriage was traditionally meant for male and female. It was a bond for the raising of children, so it always had a procreative meaning too, and it has a long sacred tradition behind it. I hate any time that gay causes get mixed up with seeming to profane other people’s sacred tradition. The gay activist leadership has been totally clumsy about that. Rather than treating it in a serious way and saying ‘We respect the tradition of marriage,’ gay activism is associated with throwing balloons of blood at the steps of St. Patrick’s.

Pagilia is right. Marriage is not a civil institution but a religious-cultural tradition that the State has (so far) been forced to respect and recognize—and it is centered around procreation, which is not an issue most homosexuals have to deal with.

Sexuality is indeed a complex thing; sexual acts are just that--individual acts--and they vary for different people, often depending on time, place, and person(s). Sometimes, I don't particularly like feeling as though I need to label myself at all. I will say one thing, however: I'm certainly not a GAP.

Here's A Poem For You: Terminal Romance

2010-06-16T23:13:00.000-07:00

The boys are in bed, except for the big guy, and I am in the pink room, pondering what is happening. Steve at ECCM told me tonight that my pulses are saying, "It's Tricia fighting change" and I really think he's right. I'm not sure what the change even is. My addiction to classes has ended. Therefore, it's not as though I'm traipsing off to another master's program or the dreadful Ph.D. in creative writing that some of my graduate school friends so gladly marched toward. I'm so glad that's over and done. And yet, there seems to be some kind of change that wants to happen to me and I so greatly fear change. Steve could feel it tonight in my pulses. His acupuncture treatment certainly helped things, but his intuition is so spot on sometimes that it really, really scares me. Steve helped me through the whole coming-out-on-my-lesbian-blog process, which is probably still going on. And tonight, I asked him to pull up my Comic Mom journal and look at the disgusting picture in this entry.

Steve agreed that this picture is, well, less than flattering. I take a lot of beautiful pictures of L.A., but this picture is not one of those. Nay, nay. So, the question is: Why do some gay people act like such uncooth idiots? For all the flak given Christian white males these days, I've yet to see a Southern Baptist white male traipse through the street with such little attire in places where so much attire is truly necessary. Yes, I know that gays get all the good press releases these days, but really, going through West Hollywood on a Saturday night, especially on "Gay Mortification Weekend," as some gay friend of Steve's called it once, is a trip that does not bring out the best of L.A. West Hollywood is a place all unto itself. Once, the boys and I went to a birthday party there at a park. It was a couple of years ago and some homeschooling friends invited us. They have since moved close to Palm Springs, to take advantage of the foreclosed housing market. She told me, however, that gay people are always calling police officers to complain about the sounds of young children and then social wreckers have to visit the families. What a major inconvenience. Wow! Call the San Fernando Valley the home of porn videos (which it is), but it certainly doesn't have that strange West Hollywood vibe going on. Thank goodness! The solution is not for the government to intervene, however. The solution is for the parents and most decent folks to run far far away from West Hollywood, leaving all the gay and truly bizarre people all alone in that extremely strange city.

Okay, closer to home, I've gotten into a fairly intimate conversation with a boy on FB in these last few days. He's a cute guy and he grew up in the same place as I. And he's married. He and I talk about all kinds of stuff and he knows all about the lesbian thing. I find "The Boy" extremely interesting to talk with, a good conversationalist. How intimate can someone be on a computer? A long time ago, I pondered such a question and the following poem can be found in my Master of Arts in English and Creative Writing thesis from North Carolina State University, "Outside the Garden," a collection of poems by moi. In case you're in Raleigh . . . :)

I wrote a couple of these computer poems in the 90s, when I was in a relationship with a guy who'd moved to Alabama from North Carolina to earn yet another academic degree, and the poems ended up on WRAL-TV 5's newscast one evening. I don't think the segment's on YouTube, though. Bummer.

Terminal Romance

My fingers type your name.
I wonder if you hear me.
I've rubbed your lexicon into my head,

hoping it will heal my severed thoughts--
the mind that's here; the mind that's there--
wondering what happens

when your screen is dark.
I wonder if you understand
the audible glances I send you,

if my words still fit your vocabulary.
Your erudite voice erupts on my screen,
filling white space with black type.

But Helvetica condensed
is no substitute for the smell
of your prickly flesh or your pungent

underwear. Through these letters,
I can neither see nor smell you.
I want to turn this font into flesh.

The First Time I Kissed A Girl

2010-04-03T02:33:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I took this memoir class recently with Carol Lightwood at Burbank Library. And I thought I felt young at a Steely Dan concert. This class skewed way older than the Steely Dan demographic. There were lots of folks in their 70s and 80s. Lightwood assured us that we can be the celebrities of our family by writing our memoirs. True, most people aren't going to bother to publish a book of their life stories and yes, people who are thinking about it tend to be those who are, statistically, much closer to death than I am. Some people read their essays aloud, as I did the one that I'm about to share, but I think that other people's may fit better into a family album than mine. Or as I put it to Lightwood when I finished: "I don't know if I'll put this in the family book." And it's even weirder to write something such as this now that I've connected with so many high school and childhood friends on Facebook. When the Internet made me seem very anonymous a mere few years ago, I was much more willing to share my thoughts with the world, thinking that not many people, if any, I grew up with would be reading them. Now that the Internet has come to Possum Trot, however, which is right down the road from where I grew up, there's no telling who might read my stuff one day. Still, I do need to write this stuff, for some reason that I've yet to figure out. So, here goes:

The First Time I Kissed A Girl

We were sitting at Angel's house, during a Friday night party, in her funky bedroom. I knew her because her boyfriend worked at the radio station where I worked. Her boyfriend and my boyfriend were in another part of the house, probably talking about Metallica and smoking some weed.

"Have you ever wanted to kiss a girl?" she asked and I told her that I had. A few days later, she asked if I wanted to go to a movie. We went to see "The Serpent and the Rainbow," at her suggestion. She wore a skirt, nothing dramatic--a simple denim--white socks that looked like the anklets I hated to wear as a child, and white sneakers. The movie was playing in Cary, a suburb of Raleigh that I was not very familiar with at the time. She was very prim and proper and clean and there was not much about her that looked in any way out of the ordinary. She looked, in fact, very ordinary, in a beautiful way. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail; her make-up was immaculately placed on her face, a light and natural look that complimented her sweet smile. The old-fashionedness of her look, her almost girl-like quality in a woman's body was attractive to me in a way that frightened me. A few years earlier, I would have been going to church in the small rural area where I grew up and then coming home, spending the afternoon with a girlfriend or going to the Kmart with my boyfriend. Seeing the mysterious "Serpent and the Rainbow," a movie that involved mysticism and voodoo, on the Lord's Day seemed subversive to me. For my boyfriend, it was some time spent alone. He always found a way to keep himself busy when I wasn't around.

The movie was as dark, deep, and mysterious as Angel herself, although she was pale and blonde in coloring. Afterward, she talked about the use of color in the film, comparing it to "Fatal Attraction." I'd never thought about the things she said and I found it very interesting to listen to her. "Oh, Trish," she would say sometimes to me when I did something she thought was funny and she would give me a somewhat devilish smile.

After we finished watching the film, we drove back to my apartment in Raleigh. I was living with two other girls at the time. We were all had either just graduated from college or were soon to graduate. We each paid the rent according to the size of our bedroom. Sharing an apartment made living in Raleigh more affordable for me, as I was working at an entry-level job in television and doing some voice-over work at the time. My bedroom was the middle size and I paid a little over $200 for what was then deemed a luxury apartment. The view from my bedroom window was especially colorful in the fall, with the various oranges, yellows, and reds of the autumn leaves. But on this cloudy, almost rainy February day in North Carolina, the view was of bare trees, trees that had yet to show the green sprouts of spring. Into my middle-size bedroom, we brought a bottle of wine and I went to our kitchen to borrow two of my roommate's wine glasses.

As usual with roommates who live together for economic reasons rather than mere friendship or romance, we came and went easily in the apartment, with a politeness toward each other and sometimes, moments of friendship. I do not know what my two roommates were doing when Angel and I closed the door to my bedroom and started drinking wine. Nor did I much care what they were doing or how much of the conversation they could hear; wine made me not much care about anything but drinking wine with Angel that afternoon.

At some point, Angel began kissing me, very innocently and gently and wonderfully, in a way that I'd never been kissed before. I kissed her back. She took off her shirt and we drank more wine; we drank until we finished the bottle. My feelings were unfamiliar, as if I were in a foreign country; I longed for more familiar feelings and yet, I was ecstatic in a way I'd never been before.

Although sex with my boyfriend was certainly enjoyable, sex with Angel, or whatever I would call it--I was unsure of its name at the time--was so wonderfully delightful, so romantic and vivid and new, that it scared me. I was so frightened about what I had done, so unable to handle my drunken feelings, that I did the only thing I could think of when all the wine was drunk: I called my boyfriend and said, "I just had sex with Angel." Those were probably the words I most regret saying to my boyfriend.

Parents' Night Out

2010-02-15T04:21:00.001-08:00

Yes, Mr. Thinking Mama and I were able to have a parents' night out last month. Right smack dab in the middle of it was my tap dance class; so, seeing a movie would have been difficult. Therefore, we went to one of our favorite places in the Valley, Star Gardens. Yes, the girls undress quite a bit here, but the sexiest girl by far that I saw was the fabulous bartender, Kristene. I'll have to admit that I have a thing for bartenders, but I'm telling you: Kristene is fabulously sexy in a way that really makes me want to see what's underneath her clothes.

Here are pictures of the lovely Kristene from Star Gardens, and the entrance to Star Gardens; this tittie bar has a definite 80s vibe:

Star Gardens is a lot like a high school reunion, without all the people you went to high school with. However, I'll say that this time, I really think I saw a guy who works at the local Whole Foods. Yikes! And he was really enjoying himself. How awkward is it when you're at your local tittie bar with your husband and find yourself looking at a guy who's bagged your groceries. It's a small world indeed!

So, Does This Make Me a Lesbian Porn Star?

2010-01-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

It's not everybody who makes my lesbian blog. But ever since we resurrected Tittie Tuesday for 2010, things have been happening. Last night, at the Life on Wilshire show, Life waitress brought her mother. Now, Melody (yes, both mom and daughter are named after strippers) is one hot mama, for sure. And yes, during the Tittie Rubbing portion of the show, Melody did get a bit carried away with things. But that's okay. Nobody was complaining, including me:

I thought last night that I probably shouldn't do anything in life that I wouldn't mind my preacher knowing. But then again, I'm glad he wasn't in the audience. I'm not sure whether or not what I did was wrong--to a comic, if something gets a laugh, it is okay--but I also remember how wonderful it was to teach at Bible School last year, although really there wasn't much teaching involved. But just to be a part of it all was really cool. I don't want to put any of that in jeopardy by letting another mother tittie rub with me. Is it speculating too much to say that maybe dealing with this lesbian thing on stage is my way of dealing with it? Without cheating on my husband?

Is This What Happens When You Kiss A Girl?!?

2009-12-15T02:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here's a little humor from my friend, Beth. She is totally as hot, in case you're wondering, as she was when I met her when I was, oh, around 10. Yes, during the Yuletide season, I'm here, thinking about sexuality in some form or fashion. As was, perhaps, Beth.

Since we're all into religion now, let's take a look at this Web page, from a preacher friend of mine in North Carolina. I especially find interesting the part in the "Church By-Laws" section that says the following:

Clothing shall be warn (sic) age appropriate to all members and visitors, no two piece bathing suites will be worn by any female persons over the age of 10 at any event on Church grounds or any Church activity. All males on Church grounds shall wear shirts at all times on Church grounds and an age appropriate covering at any Church event. No excessive cleavage shall be shown. We will be respectful of God's property.

I'm all for men wearing shirts at all times. Hardly anything makes me madder fashion-wise (although a huge crack showing is a pretty good second) than an unshirted man in public. The cleavage thing, however, is a bit different in that you can't help but wonder who'll decide what cleavage is too much?!? I'd be very very lenient, no doubt, and I'd volunteer for the decider position. Let's face it, deciding cleavage is a much better job than declaring yourself The Decider, as George the Slow did in his glory days.

Mr. Thinking Mama has also volunteered for the job as would, no doubt, almost every man who reads this journal. And a few women, perhaps. Personally, I'm okay with a church that allows a bit of sluttiness in its dress. I say that, although I usually try to be very careful and modest in a church situation. Then again, most church people are. I'm guessing that if someone dressed as a Really Big Slut (RBS) came into action that she'd be asked to put a sweater on at this church. I'm also guessing this church ain't going to be doing any wet t-shirt contests as a fundraiser any time soon either.

Am I Still A Lesbian?

2009-11-27T03:38:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'll admit I'm a bit nervous about my father-in-law, Mr. Thinking Mama/Comic Mom's dad, being friended with me on Facebook. I added him, knowing full well that in my little description box, along with "homeschooling," "exfoliating," and other gerunds, I use the word "lesbian" to describe myself. And I do realize that it's hard to fathom a lesbian who is married to a man. I know I exist and I imagine there are a few others. Still, it doesn't quite make sense to me to be a lesbian, nor to people who add me, if they bother to read the Facebook box. But really, what's a father-in-law supposed to think when he reads that box and realizes that his daughter-in-law, the one who married his elder son, calls herself a lesbian. Why does she do so in such a public place? Why isn't she more compelled to keep her mouth shut than to open it? I can only imagine that these thoughts are his, but I don't know. And he's not one to talk about that kind of thing (thank goodness!). But how will it change his perception of me? Perhaps it will confirm what he's always thought about me, not that I'm a lesbian so much but that I write the truth, no matter how ugly and unflattering it may be. I greatly admire his love for his wife, who died a little over three years ago, and I think that theirs is one of the most wonderful love stories that I've heard. I'm especially in awe of how much he still misses her, and probably always will. It's a real testament to marriage in a day when Mr. Thinking Mama and I are odd folks out for being still married among parents of my six-year-old's soccer team. I really believe in marriage, and personally, I believe that the bond a man and woman can share, especially when you have produced children together, is equal to no other.

I have been trying for a while now to deal with my lesbian side without doing any harm. Things aren't perfect: I'm really afraid in many ways. And when I try not to think about lesbian things, I find myself not feeling very sexual, which manifests itself in many ways, including weight gain and writer's block. I find myself really fearing change lately, as well; I'm trying to clear clutter, but it's not that easy to do.

It's easy for me to look and act straight and sometimes I wonder if I shouldn't just pretend to be again, as I have been trying on and off to do for many years. What will happen if I never allow myself to pretend again? Or is that even possible?

I still do like women very much, but I am trying hard not to think about anything in the past with women and I am also trying not to lust after any women in my present, although that can be taxing.

I don't know where this ride is going, but I do know that I am extremely thankful for Mr. Thinking Mama, and for my three beautiful children. No, I have not had sex with a woman in many years and yes, that is difficult to handle sometimes; I do have a wonderful husband, however. I am very thankful for him and for my children.

And none of that fabulous stuff really makes me completely straight, as much as I would like for it to. Or maybe it will one day. Perhaps. How important is expressing my lesbianism? I have a gay friend who's a Buddist monk and he doesn't express his sexuality either. Life is complex, as he has told me, and things aren't always as simple and easy as we'd like for them to be.

I can remember lots of scary Thanksgivings, including the one in which I was admitting to myself that I like women and yet, was at my now ex-husband's parents' house and I was very, very scared. By the next year, we were in the midst of a divorce. A couple of years later, I was back with guys, looking for one to be the father of my children. I am very thankful that I have found him.

All that being said, I certainly don't want to lose the part of me that, completely sober, admits to liking women. There is a depth that my admission gives to me that I cannot have when I shut out this part.

Here's a letter that I received from a reader:
I came across your blog (strap-on with a skirt). I've been reading it
for a few days now. I just wanted to tell you that I respect and
admire you. You have said a lot of things that I believe and I've never
really heard anyone say before. Glad I found it.

Wow, I really appreciate this letter.

Why Do So Many Posts End In A Question Mark? Or More?!?

2009-11-02T03:06:00.000-08:00

Tonight's the Full Moon and I am still recovering from Halloween. Specifically, tonight's moon is the Blood Moon, although I've also heard it called the "Harvest Moon," or maybe that's the one in September. Anyway, supposedly this moon cycle includes the days of the year when, the "veil between our world and the spiritual world" is the thinnest. Wow, what a thought. I know that some people don't celebrate Halloween and I'm guessing that for Christians who stick closely to what the Bible says about worshipping the stars or whatever (What does the Bible says about that anyway?), this time of year may seem like more of a pagan celebration. In fact, from what I understand, Halloween and Christmas stem from pagan traditions. But is that merely the pagans rewriting history?!? Gosh, I'm so very confused by it all, by everything. Today, someone asked on Facebook about what the "true religion" is or if there is one and honestly, I haven't figured out a reply yet. I do believe in Christ and the Bible and Christianity, but there are so very many offshoots from all that. I love the Baptists and am one, but they are not the "true religion," are they? I'd say probably not. And how does a full moon ritual fit into all this? In addition, it's hard for me to think about not honoring the full moon and new moon cycles, being that they're right with us every month--the average monthly cycle for women is 28 days, which corresponds quite closely to the moon's phases. On the other hand, isn't praying to God enough? No wonder I am ending so many titles in questions these days: my mind seems filled with questions.

I sometimes envy straight women, who seem to make friends with relative ease. I may be wrong about that and some straight girls may also find it hard to make friends. But some seem to do it with an ease that I've never quite captured. I've never been one of those (either straight or able to make friends with ease). For better or worse, I dislike most women, even though I am one. I don't know why that is, but my suspicions are that my mom's abandonment of me as an infant has something to do with it (and make no mistake, my whole family abandoned me, whether they knew it or not). I don't state this opinion to make anyone feel guilty, but merely to make public what I think caused the aberrance of being a lesbian in the first place.
And yes, I realize that someone will say that calling lesbians "aberrant" makes me a homophobic racist fundamentalist bitch or whatever the going insult is these days and probably makes me some kind of 1984-esque criminal after Emperor O.'s signing this past week of a so-called hate crimes bill (tucked neatly into a military bill that increases warmongering). Does anybody realize that a crime is a crime, no matter the hate behind it?!? See why I'm asking all these questions? The world doesn't seem to make any sense any more and yet, people--we queers in particular--seem to be submitting more and more to the globalist one-world-government euspeak, which, oddly enough, gives a warm and fuzzy feeling to "hate crimes," because it's for the children, I mean for the gay, lesbian, transgendered victims who can barely get our queer asses out of bed if we don't have legislation to protect us.

But back to the whole making friends thing: Lately, I've become somewhat friends with someone I'm somewhat attracted to. She is a mom and I've met her through an activity that involves my kids. That may be all that I say about things right now. But I ponder how many relationships with my female friends have been somehow destroyed or at least hurt by the fact that I didn't disclose the fact that I am a lesbian. On the other hand, it may not have mattered one whit.

And so, here is my top ten list of ways of telling a straight woman that you are a lesbian, with tenth item's being the most straight-friendly and first item's being the most gay-friendly:

10) Women: I used to date 'em. That was then; this is now.
9) I slept with a woman once.
8) I used to sleep with women.
7) Sometimes, I still want to sleep with women, even after two marriages, one of which is quite successful.
6) I still want to sleep with women, even after two marriages, one of which is quite successful.
5) I really dig chicks.
4) I'm such a lesbian.
3) I think she is so totally hot.
2) I'm so gay.
1) I'm such a queer.

I Can Do WHAT?!?

2009-10-15T02:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I had the pleasure of working with a comic named Eljaye at the Off-Kilt Bar in Studio City. I mentioned, briefly on stage, that I used to be a lesbian. I don't get into that much anymore because I think that people find it too complicated. Or maybe I find it too complicated. Either way, after I finished my set, Eljaye, the host for the evening, got up on stage and said, "Why aren't you a lesbian anymore?"

"Because I got married, to a man," I stated emphatically.

"You can still eat pussy!!!" Eljaye assured me.

Really? How, when, and where?!?

Hey, What About the Cute Lesbians?!?

2009-09-28T02:52:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the missing parenthesis at the end of the last entry. I may or may not return to it. However, I want to put in a word for pretty lesbians. There are some. I like to think that when compared to the rather, well, homely lesbians portrayed in today's L.A. Times' Money Makeover, I am somewhat of a prize. You can find the link if you want; I'm too tired to do it right now. But trust me, these, unfortunately, were the overweight, issue-laden lesbians from hell, as so many of us have seen portrayed in mainstream media. Yuck!

There've got to be some pretty lesbian couples in Los Angeles, don't you think? We've all seen probably enough (I know I have!) of the ugly ones. Let's hear it for cute lesbians!!!

Maybe I Should Explain Myself

2009-09-14T00:14:00.000-07:00

I have recently been told, by someone on Facebook, of course, that there was someone who had sex with two other men besides her husband, in some period that was less than a month. Here's my question: When did she have time to do this and clean her toilets?!? Personally, I find it difficult to schedule time with Mr. Thinking Mama sometimes; it's hard to imagine another man, much less two. I could, however, see myself sometimes with one woman, but then again, where would the time for this kind of thing occur? And how guilty would I feel to do something so very away from my upbringing and so very seemingly far away from my family. It is best, probably, and certainly more time efficient for me to remain celibate as a lesbian. Right now, anyway.

I sure do wish I were totally and completely straight sometimes. Life would be a lot easier. However, I got a real boost of what-if-I-were-living-with-a-woman the other day at Trader Joe's, when I saw a lesbian couple, this time two rather cute lesbians. One of them touched the other on the back and I really felt the power of their touch. And yes, part of me was envious and part of me would like very much to be in a relationship in which a woman can touch me so very easily, in the middle of Trader Joe's. And yet, I love my children and my husband and decided a while ago that I wanted to be with a man who is the father of my children. Sure, I bet those girls were not Ron Paul supporters and yes, that would irritate the hell out of me after a while.

What Have I Done Now? Reviving Journal Entries

2009-09-05T01:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've been having these hey-maybe-I'm-really-heterosexual thoughts and the other day, cleaning up in the living room, I came across a picture of my old boyfriend, the one I had an abortion with, the one who asked me to marry him and then I told him I had to go to the bathroom (which was true, as I recall) at the Rathskellar, when it was still on Hillsborough Street in Raleigh. I went to put the picture in one of my stored journals, in the closet of the pink room, and I happened to place it in the journal where I went from queer to heterosexual, dating speaking anyway, in graduate school. Here's a sampling:

2/2/94:
In Dr. J's class:
Just got back from lunch with Sara at Big Ed's (we both had collard greens and catfish) and Barista-ing. Told her about the personal ad. She was nervous about it, or so I thought. Got two letters today (the first one the other day had three spelling errors; otherwise, it was okay--what a spelling snob I'm becoming!). One [letter] today was from a woman with a law degree who's writing a novel; the other was from what sounded like a very confused 41-year-old with "recent bisexual tendencies" or something like that). I'm writing this in John's [creative writing] class . . . I am the center of the writing universe! (The guy with laryngitis is killing me--still he speaks softly.)

2/5/94:
Even though Sara woke me with her phone call and thus, totally did away with any chance I may have had for remembering and writing down my dream, how could I possibly be angry with anyone who can instantly, at any given moment, break into an imitation of Ethel Merman?

2/11/94:
Who knows why I called D. today. Why, in the middle of this ice storm, I felt compelled to ask her to Cup-A-Joe's (a bookish lesbian, I thought at first). Then, to buy Coors Light at the Harris-Teeter and invite her to my apartment . . . I'm not asking questions anymore. I'm tired of asking questions. I'm flushing my own radiator.

Okay, definitely the first the to ask is "What's 'flushing my own radiator'?" And yes, I seem to remember that it's something about taking care of my own s--- or something to that effect. I was really into a lot of things then, and thinking back, I didn't have the Internet or e-mail to cajole me into reading or writing about being a lesbian. No, these particular lesbian personals were in the regular old print Independent Weekly, for whom I also used to write occasionally. I've only ever placed ads for girls, whether in the the Indy or on Craig's List. Why did I come across this particular journal, via a picture of an old boyfriend, at a time when I am thinking about sexuality? Well, I suppose that's a question to ponder.

And as much as I love wine, I'm not much at all for beer. D., my girl with the long black hair and a Ph.D. in her future, evidently liked Coors Light. I didn't really know what to do with her either, which may explain why D. went back to her old girlfriend. She, too, had tasted of the fruit of the heterosexual woman; at one time, she was having sex with two guys per day. But as with me, the other side was simply more alluring. I still remember placing my hand on her leg while watching the Winter Olympics at her apartment.

The Orgy Dream, Not Explained: Revised

2009-08-15T00:05:00.000-07:00

Warning: This entry is not for children to read, but then again, this blog isn't either.

Look, I'm not sure exactly what the orgy dream meant, but I do know that taking a vacation from being a lesbian is equivalent to taking a vacation from being a sexual human being. On the other hand, how important is sex anyway? A man instant messaged me on Facebook today--some people feel comfortable talking with me, evidently--and said that his wife had not had sex with him for months. What is wrong with her? I caught myself thinking, although I do find myself wondering if she, too, might be a lesbian. Perhaps I hope that all married women are. But they're not. I know. It's important to note that even lesbians can have sex with their husband. Well, I can't speak for every lesbian, of course. But if you married him and you're not mad at him, why don't you have sex with him every once in a while? At least every once in a while.

I went out with a girl a couple of years ago whom I met on Craig's list and she has four children and she said she didn't really enjoy having sex with her husband, but she does do it. She was also very Catholic. I've read that religious women have better sex lives and I can't help but wonder if it's not because those of us who are religious tend to believe that sex is part of the marriage contract. I know that I've just pissed off the feminists by saying this, but still . . .

What I find it hard to understand about most straight women is that they cannot come up with 15 minutes in each God-given day to fuck their husbands. Look, I'm really sorry that I've used that word, but really, How much effort does that take? Even once every week?

Pretend you're kissing a girl. Think of it as an aerobic workout. Plan your grocery shopping list while he cums. Or simply lie back, as the saying goes, and think about the queen of England (yikes! I won't be doing that last fantasy, for sure) But for goodness sake, straight wives, fuck your husbands. Now!

Okay, So What About This Lesbian Thing?

2009-08-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

It's proposal season here at the Gingerbread House. That means I've edited, since we returned from North Carolina, no fewer than three NASA proposals. I don't work directly for NASA, of course, but as long as companies pay me, I'll be glad to edit those proposals.

Now, we've returned, however, and I've had little time to contemplate, to dream, to ponder. However, I had a dream last night that was really something else. I mean, something completely different for me. I'd dreamed the night before that I was flying to Newark. I was afraid my plane would be late and yet, it didn't leave until 2 a.m. and it was not even midnight.

Last night, however, I was in some group of people, men and women, and everybody started having kind of this orgy thing and I realized there was a woman there who was taking pictures and she was going to post them on the Internet or in Playboy or something and I asked how many she'd taken of me and she said only one. And then I started this sexual thing with her and things got very confusing after that. I was definitely enjoying things, or so it seems.

Funny how I've been wondering, since I returned, if this lesbian thing is really all it's cracked up to be. Maybe, just maybe, I am or can be or have always been straight. Or at least, perhaps, maybe I will stop looking at straight women because, let's face it, that's not my market. I just find it hard to stop looking at them sometimes. Especially at a rest area in Arkansas. When this girl's blouse was all open. And she was bending over. And we made eye contact, or so it seemed to me.

Then there are women who are moms and I find myself around them and yet, sometimes I am repulsed by them and at other times, I find myself looking at them as well. I don't necessarily feel comfortable with all this, whatever "all this" is; and maybe that's what my dream was telling me. Perhaps.

I surely don't feel as lesbian in North Carolina. In fact, once someone there, a good friend, asked me if I felt as though we were kicked out of the homeschooling group because of my "sexual orientation." And of course, I thought, well, that may have been part of it or it may have been because I had a crush on this girl and thought it might be safer to write about it than to actually pursue it. And I was probably right, being that I've learned not ever to come on to straight women. And I've learned that the hard way. So, I thought it might be a good thing if I tried to lay all this to rest, to see myself as I did growing up, however that was. And I even began to wonder if I would regret this blog one day. But then again, that dream last night was surely trying to tell me something, but what?

Back in North Carolina, at last!

2009-07-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

I am sitting right here in the hotel, where, at my five-year high school reunion, I got so very drunk, I am glad that my old boyfriend (who turned out to be a creep) took me up to his room and put me in bed. I really don't think that he did anything, but I was drinking so very much that I don't know exactly what happened. So, after a few difficulties in getting a room in a neighboring county, here I am, sitting in the same hotel. I'm a few years wiser and I have three children in the bed. I'm drinking some wine, but if I drank the whole bottle, I wouldn't be nearly as drunk as I was that Saturday night, during the days when I was a sales assistant at what was then Channel 22, WLFL-TV, in Raleigh, North Carolina. I remember that I wore this leopard print dress that had a mesh back to it. Not long after the reunion, I would wear the same dress on a date with Amanda, the first girl that I ever slept with. It was the wrong outfit for that date, I think. Or maybe not. I'm really confused about who I am as a lesbian, but not so confused about who I am when I pretend to be straight: drunk. I'm not saying that I am completely sober in my overt and currently celibate lesbianism.

So last night, I stayed with my friend, Laura, in Asheville. Laura and I go back to graduate school. When I met Laura, on the first day of grad school, I was in the midst of moving out of the house where my first husband and I had moved in, shortly after our marriage. It was on Maynard Road in Cary, if anyone cares. I really loved that house and I hated, really hated, to leave it.

Then again, I watched a movie called "Personal Best," right after we were married, at that very house. It starred one of the Hemingway girls (Muriel, Margeaux?) as a lesbian. OMG!, as they say in cyberland. I then realized that even getting married in the Catholic Church would not change my sexuality. Damn! What's up with that?!?

And so, Laura knew from the getgo that I dated women. In fact, I was dating them when I first met her. So, it probably wasn't a huge surprise when I told her, some few months ago, that I had outed myself as a lesbian. In fact, she seemed very accepting of me this weekend. And I must admit that I am a nicer person than when I was late for picking her up when she had her wisdom teeth out. I feel really bad about that.

And yes, I'm in the South as I write this. I think that people in the South are wonderful and accepting, despite the fact that others may think differently. The South is awesome, even and especially for exfoliating, homeschooling, breastfeeding, happily married, lesbian comic moms.

Fantasizing My Own Stimulus Package

2009-06-22T23:20:00.000-07:00

Smack dab in the middle of Cub Scout Day Camp, of which I am a helper and the mother of three participants, here I am finally writing in this blog. Finally. I've also had a bit more proposal work to do lately, being that everybody's trying to get a piece of Obama's huge and non-existent pie that's so lovingly called the "stimulus package." Major change is going to come to Washington!, Emperor O. worshippers said, and it is indeed, in the form of socialism for all.

But wait a minute. Isn't this the lesbian blog? Let me talk about this for just a bit. After all, that's probably why you're here.

Things in the lesbian department (It's the Thinking Mama lesbian compartment, coming out to greet you!) are faring okay, except that I'm realizing more and more that I am a celibate lesbian. Not that Mr. Thinking Mama isn't a fabulous lay in bed--a lot of people think that kind of thing or some other weird bull about our sex life. (note to others: Our sex life is none of your f'in' beezwax). Or that we "swing," which to me, every time I've seen it on the Discovery channel or Lifetime or some silly such, I've thought that it's just plain silly and morally wrong. I don't even like to watch ABC's silly hit wonder: Wife Swapping. If I wanted to spend two weeks with a stranger, it surely wouldn't be a man. I can think of all kinds of possibilities with a woman, however. I'm sorry to say that this whole gay thing hasn't left, despite my being plopped down into the netherlands of suburbia, in that great hoped-for-by-far-too-many suburb: The San Fernando Valley!

If I can't be straight here in the Valley of the Dolls, there's no hope for me. I still, despite a few repercussions from writing about one such crush on this blog (I have since deleted those entries because I have no desire to hurt anyone with this blog.). I still find myself crushing on straight women. I'm around these women a lot and some I really dig. One, in particular. That's all I'm saying right now. And believe me, I'm trying hard not to think of her. Or of other straight women.

But if I must choose to be on an island or in a house or whatever with anyone, I'll gladly do it with this chick I've been digging. Gladly.

One reason that I love Los Angeles (note to self: I think this is the first time that I've used "love" and "Los Angeles" in the same sentence; except for, maybe, "I do not love (read: hate) Los Angeles." I've probably said that a time or two.) is that the women here are absolutely gorgeous, not modest at all. When you're driving children around all day, it's a bit relaxing to see a jogger in what looks like a bikini, which I did indeed see just a couple of days ago. I like to look at women's bodies. Now, before you start judging a mommy who lusts, wait a cotton-pickin' minute, my friend Tish, whose son is nine months younger than my oldest, called me to say that she'd seen "a pretty boy." So, it's not as though mommies never lust. This particular mommy just lusts for women and not men.

It does feel freeing to no longer pretend that I understand how the whole lusting-for-a-boy thing feels. I've tried to look at boys, even pretty ones, and they don't interest me nearly as much girls, although I find guys attractive. So, straight women, I identify with you but I am not you. I wish I could identify more with you. I wish I could be you. Except that I really dig being myself, queerness and all.

It appears as though as much as I'd like otherwise, I am profoundly queer.

Hey, Somebody Likes Me!

2009-05-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh, I realize that I'm sounding way too much like Sally Field with this entry's title. And for that semi-grave sin, I ask much forgiveness. Wait a minute! What if somebody's reading this who doesn't remember Sally Field's great Oscar speech declaration? Worse yet, what if somebody's reading this who doesn't remember Sally Field?!? The pre-AARP Sally Field?

Well, be that as it may, I'm thrilled to be included in this fine entry on the Out Lesbian blog. Wow, and after being more shunned by the lesbian community than Anita Bryant (anybody remember her?!?), it's fabulous to know that somebody describes me as "a Smart and Funny Gal." Wowee Kozowee! Look, I'm just as insecure as any other breastfeeding, homeschooling, exfoliating, lesbian, comic mom and house frau in the San Fernando Valley and I'm telling you this: When somebody writes something nice about me, I take note.

A Dildo Experience - Part Deux

2009-04-14T00:37:00.000-07:00

As the late and great Paul Harvey used to say: And now, for the rest of the story.

Now, that I've explained my affinity for Babeland, it's time to move on and explain what got me to writing about this dildo stuff in the previous entry. Last week, when I came home from doing comedy at Canoga Park Bowl, Mr. Comic Mom informed me, with his sweet, relatively innocent eyes looking at me, that our children had been looking for cotton balls in the bathroom. In fact, they were looking for cotton balls because it seemed as though such cotton would be just right for the bunny tail on my eight-year-old's papier-mâché rabbit that he was working on for Easter. I'll be the first to admit that we need cotton balls in the house, but we didn't have them at the time. In his search, my eldest son found not cotton balls, but rather, balls of another kind. As in, he found the balls that were attached to my, well, dildo. To my credit, I have been hiding any such items in the same place now for quite a while. All without incident. I am quite sure, from everyone's reaction, that this indeed is the first time that anyone under 40 has seen any said items. In addition to being hidden in my cabinet, any items are also wrapped. Evidently, not tightly enough.

I was certainly glad that Mr. Thinking Mama had warned me about this incident. Being a quick thinker, and seeking, I suppose, to put the responsibility where it aptly belonged, Mr. Thinking Mama said, "You'll have to ask your mother." Well, needless to say, those words turned out to be one of the few pieces of advice my children have willingly embraced from either parent. As I was settling in bed to read them a story, "Why do you have an artificial penis?" came across the sheets. Yikes! it certainly wasn't what I was expecting at that very moment, but then again, I was extremely thankful that Mr. Thinking Mama had warned me.

"It's a gag gift. I need to get rid of it," I said, missing completely the rather obvious "gag" pun that my first sentence lends itself so easily to.

Funny how when you don't make a big deal about something, children don't make a big deal of it either. They were more interested in Beverly Cleary's renegade mouse, Ralph, which I am currently reading to them.

There is more to this story--and yes, I've learned the value of locks--but for now, it's time for bed.

A Dildo Experience

2009-04-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

A while ago, Jim asked me how things are with my husband. Well, he was much more polite, of course, and if I weren't so lazy right now, I'd look up the link to Jim's question. I avoided it, as I do with most difficult questions, but I think I'm ready to answer it now. Maybe.

The thing is that Jim seemed to wonder about how things go when both wife and husband are attracted to girls. Things are great, sometimes. For instance, we both have enjoyed going to a topless bar, drinking some wine, and watching the dances, on those rare occasions when we have a couple of hours alone. For the record, I used to work in one of those places. After much vodka, or whatever the liquor du jour was, I still couldn't be that genuinely sexy with men. My girlfriend at the time was a dancer and I thought I could do it, too. And then, there was the whole wanting-to-be-with-her thing, even though I never really had sex with her a second time. Once was enough, however, to make me know that I was more sexually attracted to a woman than I'd ever been with a man. Nonetheless, since I have begun to admit my attraction for women, things have changed. Mr. Thinking Mama/Comic Mom knew about the attraction, of course, but neither one of us really grasped what it all meant. Maybe we still don't.

Anyway, one way of coping with our differences (as much as I love Mr. Thinking Mama and as thankful as I am that he has a penis, there is the fact that he has no vagina). Sometimes, the without-a-penis thing breeds, well, challenges in our relationship. Therefore, perhaps it stands to reason, as the cliche goes, that I absolutely adore Babeland. And I'm telling you that there's a part of me that wants to find a girl someday who's Outlaw-worthy.

I'm not saying anymore right now, but I will say that Mr. Thinking Mama is just about the straightest guy that I've ever met. He loves women, especially this one, from what I can tell. And for that last sentence, especially the part about me, I am very grateful.

Last Night's Dream

2009-03-14T00:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamed I was working in an office and a straight-looking secretary girl said to another girl, "You're a lesbian." I was standing away from them both and thinking, I'm a lesbian, too! But I was also realizing that she'd never know I was a lesbian, being that I am cloaked in heterosexuality. There is a part of me that really likes being clad thus; however, there is a part of me that wishes everyone could know I'm a lesbian. I guess the dream picked up on this dichotomy. As happy as I am in my seemingly hetero life at the Gingerbread House, I still have crushes on women, especially around ovulation. I think and dream about women more when I ovulate, it seems. But really, sober or drunk or somewhere in between, it's hard for me to deny the lesbian part of me anymore. I haven't had much to drink lately, by the way, and still, I dig chicks.

The other night, I was at Canoga Park Bowl, in the smoking room with three other comics: Mel Kohl, John Mader, and Mark White. They were talking about women. I was looking over my notes and stretching, literally. I could relate so much to what the boys were saying about women, a bit too much, really. Yes, I am attracted to women who have issues, which is a polite way of saying what was said in that room that evening. And I most certainly feel the pain, as each of them seemed to, of being rejected by women and of being attracted to, while trying not to be attracted to, the really screwed up ones. Gosh, I feel more comfort amongst straight guys than I do with straight women. On the outside, I can really relate to what the straight women are saying. After all, I do have a husband. On the inside, however, amongst the boys, I can totally relate to the way men feel about women. That's because I usually feel that way, more or less.

What's Going On?

2009-02-24T00:50:00.000-08:00

I'm still doing the show at Canoga Park Bowl, although the Sunday and Monday shows may end soon. We'll see what happens. Mr. Comic Mom/Thinking Mama is out of a job. I've gained about 20 pounds. And a regular at the Bowl told me tonight that I look "tired." I'm not sure what I need to do. I've been exercising like crazy. And evidently, I've been eating and drinking like crazy, too. I think that I'm completely stressing out. Maybe. I don't know how to handle it. And it's too expensive, both in time and money, to take a trip to North Carolina.

I must blossom where I'm planted. But how shall I do so when I'm so stressed that I can't seem to stop putting things in my mouth? I'm trying to live, somewhat anyway, for God and stop being so filled with thoughts of lesbians, et al. And my reward seems to be gaining weight--not a good thing. I'm perplexed as to what to do.

Have I Found Mrs. Right?

2009-01-17T23:24:00.000-08:00

Sure, I haven't been writing in a while. Perhaps it's because I've been busy, or because of James' death, as I've written about in another blog. And maybe, just maybe, it's partly due to having many Facebook conversations with a girl that I really dig. She's attractive and she's not afraid to talk about men's underwear. She's sassy enough to be sexy. She's from the South. She grew up near where I grew up. She's very hot, in a Hips and Curves kind of way. Or so my fantasies go. I haven't actually seen her except online.

Could this be the perfect relationship for me? Perfect in that it's 3,000 miles away? Perfect in that she's happily married, too? Perfect in that I don't have to see her all the time and I can be with my family? And what does this kind of relationship do for my writing? Writers worry about things like that. Lesbians worry about getting a woman with whom they can share their life. So, I've got at least two things to worry about now: what having a girlfriend could possibly do for my writing and how I can get a girlfriend.

I saw the boyish-looking dyke at Whole Foods the other day and we got along okay. We even had what I would call a moment in which we shared eye contact. Has it been so long that I've been with a woman that I now am even attracted to lesbians?!?

What Do I Do Now?

2008-12-20T03:55:00.001-08:00

I've mentioned Facebook before and here I've gone and found a bunch of people from my high school and from the small town near where I grew up. One of these people is a woman who went to the same elementary and high school as I did and the same university. Wow! She's also married to a man. We've been corresponding via Facebook's instant messaging tool and come to find out, she likes women. Woohoo! Hooray! What a blessing!

So, now I get to discuss this stuff with a straight woman, or a "straight-ish" woman, as she calls herself. And this is no liberal, wussy, Obama-worshipping lesbian, as appears in California, but a woman who grew up right and still tries to do right. Gosh, it's wonderful! Almost like finding some mirror version of me on the other side of the country from where I currently live.

This kind of wondrous connection makes me wonder about what I really want. Here's a woman who likes women and is willing to talk about her attraction to women. With me! My mind, of course, has been wandering with this one and I think about how I would even handle a relationship with a woman. I'm certainly glad, as I may have stated before, that I'm not in a relationship with a woman and yet, part of me yearns for that kind of relationship. Would it be cheating on Mr. Thinking Mama if I was with a woman? Is it cheating for me to talk to this woman on-line? What if somebody like her lived close to me? How much would I want to see such a woman? Then again, I'm thankful to be contemplating these very questions.

Do I Even Remember What It's Like?

2008-12-07T23:48:00.001-08:00

The occasion has come up recently for me to remember, somewhat, what it's like to have sex with a woman. I even tried to write a journal entry about it on my MySpace page. But I don't think I've done a very good job. Frankly, it's been a while. A long while. A very long while. Now that all I have to do is drink two drinks to be straight, life is more or less a suburban dream, which I really appreciate. In one of my recent Craig's List ads, however, I found out that there are many wives who are in my position. Here are some responses:

I am a straight girl living in a straight world as you do but I desire the attention of a women. I would like it to be very descrete as I am sure you do. Let me know a little more a about you and maybe we can meen. I am a 38 and a latina. I am a little on the thick side but pretty with long hair and brown eyes and a mommy too. tell me a little more about you.

I mean no harm to anyone by posting these. In fact, I desire to keep these folks anonymous, so much so that I don't even know their names:

Hi. Well, I'm alittle nervous about sending this. I live in a definitely conservative, and straight world too. I was married, but am now divorced but living with a man. I've had a few special relationships with women, and still am close with with most of them. I'm not looking for an exclusive romantic relationship with a woman either, but a friend with whom I don't have to hide this puzzling part of my life....I'm not sure myself whether I'm even bi, or maybe bi tendencies. I'm pretty successful professionally and now semi-well known in the community, so discretion is a must. I've been told by many men and women that I am attractive, and sexy but I haven't been at all good this last year with exercise, and watching my diet. I'm no model, but I'm okay. Mostly, I believe I am a nice, real person, looking for someone with whom I can be myself.

When An Old Boyfriend Calls

2008-11-25T02:27:00.000-08:00

Let's face it, I'm addicted to Facebook. Last night, I looked up one of my old boyfriends; I'll call him M. We haven't seen each other in a very long time. He's really positive, a Christian, and a minister. He was blown away (not literally) by the whole lesbian thing. "Did I do this to you?!?" he asked, frantically. It must be a shock to learn that the girl you fingered but never quite f----- is now identifying as a lesbian. I was 16 when I dated him and things were very different then, in many ways. The whole conversation with him got me to thinking, however, and I realized that I had absolutely no idea that I was gay when I was 16. I knew I wasn't gay when I didn't make the softball team in eighth grade, although being scorekeeper may have indeed placed me in some kind of strange bisexual purgatory. Perhaps my strong desire to make the softball team combined with my strong inclination not to catch softballs, or bat very well with them either, did indeed make me into some kind of bisexual freak.

All of the dykes that I knew in eighth grade were surely on the softball team, I would have reasoned, had I known what the word dykes meant.

I recall the first time, post-childhood, that I knew I was attracted to women. Another boyfriend, B., took me dancing with his friend, J., and J.'s girlfriend, K, who was totally and completely hot. I had this strange desire to be with K. and B. or maybe K. and J. or some combination thereof, or so I thought. In that good old 20/20 hindsight, I now understand that I wanted only to be with K. And I still bet she's hot.

A few years after my crush on K., which scared me greatly, I slept with my first woman, although we didn't get any real sleeping done. I had slept with guys but this first experience with a woman was different. Very different. I was so very scared that I called my boyfriend at the time and told him I'd just slept with a girl and how wonderful it was. He was not nearly as amused as I. Later, we tried to make some kind of strange amends by making a threesome out of things, but somehow, seeing him f--- my girlfriend seemed stranger than I'd even imagined, although I'm not so sure that I'd fully imagined the strangeness of the situation. Threesomes are not for me. A few years after I dated M., I thought this whole sleeping with women thing could be changed--by getting married, by joining the Catholic Church, by having lots of sex with men. Even now, not much has changed. I still find it hard to relate to women and I am still sexually attracted mainly to women. My guess is that my sexual orientation or preference or whatever you wish to call it will not change. Working within that particular parameter, I can make all sorts of decisions. I cannot make my gayness, my attraction to women, my desire to find a woman, go away. Like adoption and dark hair and my height, my attraction to women is a part of me, for better or worse. I can cover it up and pretend that it doesn't exist, but I know and God knows that it is still there.

Just Because I'm A Lesbian

2008-11-20T13:48:00.000-08:00

Already, in our quiet San Fernando Valley neighborhood, I see the signs of revolt on the vote of Proposition 8. For those not in the proverbial know, Prop. 8 said that state-approved marriage should be between a man and a woman. Unlike most gay people, I like this proposition, which passed with 52% of the California vote. According to mainstream thought, there are two factions: those who are bigoted religious fanatics who don't want to see two men marry; and those who are gay-friendly, to the point of believing that if the state doesn't approve gay marriages, then it's "wrong," "unfair," and "unequal." In my neighborhood, somebody posted a sign that said "Just Married," then marking out "Married," the sign posters said, "Segregated." There's nothing like making an analogy between black people, who are truly born black, and gay people, who may or may not be and very definitely have choices about the matter. For instance, if a gay person, me, for instance, wants to marry a man, well, that's a choice. I remember going into the Western Heritage museum in Griffith Park and seeing something about how Asians weren't allowed to marry "Whites" in the 19th century. Laws about who can marry whom are indeed bizarre. Marriage should have little if anything to do with the law. Gay people can marry; there are people willing to marry us. We can also choose, as I did, to have a marriage with someone of the opposite sex. Forbidding people to marry, even first cousins, as is often done in the South, seems bizarre to me. If people want to marry, the state should not stop it. I was on a show the other day, doing an interview, and I mentioned that polygamists weren't protected by Proposition 8. "Polygamy's illegal!" said the interviewer, not stopping to think that it's as dumb to make polygamy illegal as it is to make interracial marriage illegal. Marriage should have nothing to do with the state. Period. End of story. That many gays are campaigning, threatening, and burning religious buildings because of being pissed that Prop. 8 passed shows me that the Communist Manifesto is alive and well in this country. Hey, people, the government should NOT have to approve your marriage. Gays and straights can do all things needed to protect their relationships via legal documents. So, so, so, why the need for state approval? It also kinda pisses me off that gay people think that they can mess with an institution that's been around for a VERY long time. And it pisses me off even more that because I'm gay, just because I'm a lesbian, I'm expected to believe and adhere to a certain political philosophy.

Gay Agenda People

2008-11-09T01:24:00.000-08:00

Well, twice this week, Mr. Thinking Mama or I have been held up in traffic because the Gay Agenda People (GAPs) insist on saying that defining state-approved marriage as between a man and a woman is unConstitutional. Really? I'm wondering what they're citing. Also, I note that they're saying that defining state-approved marriage as between a man and a woman is "wrong" and "unfair." I've been reading this crap for a few weeks now. Of course, no gay person ever actually has a choice about whom they marry or live with. And of course, the fact that California extended legal rights to gay couples a few years ago does not quite satisfy the GAPs. Unless there's a law that says one fag has to wear a wedding dress and the other a tuxedo, the GAPs won't be satisifed.

Meanwhile, I lead my seemingly heterosexual life, accepting that I've made decisions and trying hard to accept the consequences for those decisions. Tonight, as I was shopping for shoes and thinking, "The shoe salesgirl certainly has nice tits," I couldn't help thinking that I'm much gayer than some of those protestors, and yet, I'm okay with state-approved marriage being only between a man and a woman. I'm even better with the state getting completely out of the marriage business.

I'm still as gay as ever, evidently, and yet I believe that all of us, whether gay or straight have choices.

That Last Adjective: A Lesbian Poem

2008-10-31T00:15:00.000-07:00

We are at a new beach. My son says that the sand is a giant drawing board.

Then he asks me what I've written in the sand.

"I am queer," it says, but my son mistakes it to say

"I am great." I erase what I have and write what he sees.

I am great and queer. I wish

I could drop that last adjective. I've tried.

Marrying once, twice, it is still there, that last adjective.

Having babies, one, two, three, it is still there,

the adjective that won't go away.

I am a lesbian it's hard to tell myself.

I like girls the way most boys like girls.

I wish I didn't sometimes. Relating to straight women

would be a lot easier if I could relate to their crushes.

How I long to tell them I like to look at breasts.

They would not understand, of course.

I nod a lot with straight women. I'm polite.

I am not one of them.

Another Reason That I'm Not A Real Lesbian

2008-10-23T01:52:00.000-07:00

So, I was sitting around the other day thinking: What will piss off the lesbians? I often sit and reflect on such things. Real lesbians, after all, vote no on Proposition 8, of course. Were I a real lesbian, were I truly the victim that the Communist Manifesto wishes me to be, I would indeed have a bumper sticker on my car that reads "Vote No On Prop 8," a pretty common sight around these parts. Focusing on my goal, however, I realized that I must indeed decide to vote Yes on this proposition. The lesbians must, if anything, be pissed off at me or else I find it awfully hard to sleep at night. Whew! Now, that's out in the open.

I have mentioned before that I think it's ridiculous that the state has anything at all to do with such a private bond as marriage; of course, the state being what the state is, it's easy to see that getting into the bedroom of its forced clients would indeed be a goal of any government that hoped to grow. After all, if said clients allow the state to come into their bedroom, it's no big thing to allow the state to go into their children's bedrooms or in any part of their house, in what should be called private property. A long time ago, the state got into the marriage business, however. In the 19th century, states were forbidding people who weren't the same race to marry. Now, as someone who happens to be married to a person of the same race and opposite sex, I find the state's forbidding of people to marry to be absolutely ridiculous. Likewise, I find that state's encouragement of people to marry to be crazy as well. The state, a.k.a. government, should have absolutely no say in whether someone marries or not. Therefore, I find this particular passage from Wikipedia quite entertaining:

In 1948, the California Supreme Court became the first state court in the country to strike down a law prohibiting interracial marriage. It was the only state supreme court to do so before the United States Supreme Court invalidated all those laws in 1967. The California Supreme Court held that "marriage is ... something more than a civil contract subject to regulation by the state; it is a fundamental right of free men ... Legislation infringing such rights must be based upon more than prejudice and must be free from oppressive discrimination to comply with the constitutional requirements of due process and equal protection of the laws" (Perez v. Sharp (1948) 32 Cal.2d 711, 714-715). The California Supreme Court explained that "the right to marry is the right to join in marriage with the person of one's choice" (Id., at p. 715).[7]

If marriage is indeed a "fundamental right of free men" and for the politically correct, men seems to mean people in this instance, then why should the state interfere at all? Why should the state have any say in the matter?

Shouldn't the ballot vote really be about whether or not the state should be approving or disapproving of anyone's marriage?

Expanding the state's power over gay people who want to marry someone of the same sex seems especially ridiculous to me. And even more ridiculous seem those gay people who support this measure, of which I am not one.

How Can I Think About Sex At A Time Like This?

2008-10-12T07:50:00.001-07:00

America has become a dictatorship, just as King Jorge wished and publicly spoke about a few years ago. I hope that you are preparing for emergencies; we are trying to do so here at the Gingerbread House. Gosh, it's a time to protect your nest, if ever there was one. As I write this, I hope I am being an alarmist. And I hope to start thinking and writing about sex and lesbians again real soon.

Happy Eleventh Wedding Anniversary!

2008-10-11T15:07:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's true. Mr. Comic Mom/Thinking Mama and I have been married eleven years today, on the eleventh. Pretty good for a lesbian, eh?

Sometimes, I Seem Like a Straight Woman

2008-09-29T01:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight, at the Canoga Park Bowl, I was talking with fellow comic, Rebekah Kochan. I was telling her about my boyfriend before Mr. Thinking Mama/Mr. Comic Mom. I didn't, of course, have to tell her about the abortion that I had right as I was meeting Mr. TM/CM. But I did. It will soon be Mr. TM/CM's and my eleventh anniversary, a special occasion indeed. Many couples in which both husband and wife are straight do not last as long as we have. I am pleasantly surprised that I am able to be married this long.

But as to the guy before Mr. TM/CM, the guy with whom I had an abortion, well, I think that the whole abortion thing, bad as it was in some ways, made me realize that I had to get serious about getting a good father for my children. Let's face it, I told Pre-TM/CM Boy that I was gay, or that I dated women. We never talked much about it, but he was the first guy I'd told. Of course, I'd been dating women when I met him. I'm pretty sure that mixed in with all the abortion stuff and the lesbian stuff and the boyfriend stuff is the fact that my mother was not there for me. Oh, I sound like I'm whining. And yet, I can't think of one woman that I've ever gone out with (okay, maybe one, but I was pretty drunk at the time) who didn't in some way, however seemingly insignficant, manifest my need for my mother. It's impossible to know if I would have still been a lesbian if I had stayed with my mom, but I think that the fact that I was separated from her is somehow as mixed up in my being attracted to women as it was in that abortion.

Gosh, how did I get to talking about abortion at a comedy show?!?

Or on a lesbian blog, for that matter?

When I was talking with Rebekah and telling her about my old boyfriend, I realized that I sounded just like a straight woman. But then again, if I'd stayed with women, I wouldn't have had that abortion.

It is easy for me to talk about my old boyfriends amongst straight women, but it is not as easy for me to talk about my old girlfriends.

So, Thinking Mama, Have You Ever Gone Down On A Woman?

2008-09-21T22:35:00.000-07:00

As Jeff Foxworthy would say, "If I'm lyin', I'm dyin." That was tonight's Ask The Lesbian Mom question of the evening on the Lord's Day of Comedy at Canoga Park Bowl. Well, that was Rebekah Kochan's question, anyway. Fortunately, Donne (whose name has an accent over the e) had a more complex question: "How did you go back?" To being straight, that is. Well, needless to say, tonight was the night that Brendan Mitchell videotaped one of the first installments for the Canoga Park Bowl You Tube channel (coming soon!). So, I'm worried that my fantasies of being a Sunday School teacher may be over after this evening. For the record, I didn't answer Rebekah's question. And Donne (think accent over the e!) said that I didn't do a very good job of answering his question either. Drats! I just can't seem to win. But Dante and others voted Yes to Rebekah's question. That is, they believe that I have gone down, as the vernacular goes, on a woman. Now, I've got to get back to work editing some Department of Defense proposals. Really.

Dante's Divine Comedy presents:
The Lord's Day of Comedy
Every Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
8:30 p.m.
Canoga Park Bowl
Winnetka, CA
just off the 101!

Oh Thinking Mama, Where Are Your Witty Lesbian Posts?

2008-09-17T03:35:00.000-07:00

I know; they've gone by the wayside lately. I'm trying to figure out why. It's one of those subconscious things, no doubt, brought on by some denial of some sort. Well, I hope to figure it out soon. In the meantime, I think I'll go to bed.

A Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping with Chicks

2008-09-05T01:25:00.000-07:00

Jen Sincero wrote this book, but I didn't find a link to it when I googled it (weird, I know). In my Craig's List quest for whatever it is that I'm questing, I recently heard from quite a few supposedly straight women. What about your average supposedly straight woman, someone who occasionally scans Craig's List to see what's happening in the "Women for Women" section of the personal ads--what's that kind of straight woman like? I recently placed an ad that stated as its headline: Are there any straight women out there? Apparently, there are:

I am a VERY straight female, happily involved in a stable, long term hetero relationship. Nothing I would change about my relationship and my beau.

However, on those very RARE occasions, I've indulged in female encounters, however limited they may have been. My long time dream has been to find another attractive female who would is also very straight, but, would enjoy sharing female intimacy and mutual physical sexual pleasures, desires, and fantasies together. But, no such luck. Seems all females are promiscuous and just want one night stands. That is definitely not for me, since I am in a very committed relationship and we both are extremely clean, disease free.

Anyhow, if you would like to exchange emails or chat more, please email me. My beau is a great lover and wonderful man, however, only certain pleasures could be shared and enjoyed with another female, since only she knows and could appreciate the female anatomy. The experiences could be very gentle yet sensual, passionate, lusty, erotic, hot and naughty. However, all must be mutual in order for the pleasures to be fully enjoyed by both ladies.

Hope to hear from you!

Although there are some grammatical errors here (because my regular readers know that I am totally and completely perfect when it comes to grammar), this e-mail was one of the most well written. If your e-mail uses "u" instead of the word itself, for instance, you are disqualified from an answer, at least in my humble old-fashioned, pre-e-mail grammar book.

So, is the woman who wrote to me a lesbian or not? To me, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck . . . well, you probably know how that tale ends. And if you don't, it means you're a duck. If you look and walk like a duck, that is.

My experience with these self-described straight women is that they are scared to death. Some of them say that they want to meet, or whatever, but then they chicken out at some point in the process. It certainly helps me to know that there are women out there who appear to be straight, as I do, but who desire to be with a woman. I suppose that it helps me to know that I'm not alone. Or something. Of course, there's a part of me that hopes, maybe one day, something will work out. But it ain't gonna be from this batch of e-mail, more than likely:

Are you sure you are happily married? I ask that because you are on C/L. No judgment, just curious! I'm a married woman, unhappily married but married just the same. And I have very Strong desires to be with a sexy woman. I'm looking for a good friend with really great benefits. So please, tell me more about you . . .

I do hesitate to involve myself with anyone who's not happily married, and the grammar here is not so bad (why capitalize strong? I'm curious.), but I couldn't help but be amused by someone who's offering me "really great benefits." Thinking of my not-that-shady corporate past, I wanted to reply: By benefits, do you mean a 401K? Insurance? Four weeks of vacation?

When did kissing, hugging, and plain-out having sex become a "benefit." I know that "benefit" as a sexual favor has come into the personal ad/dating vernacular these days, but does it really belong there? Shouldn't a sexual relationship be attached to something, preferably marriage? I know, it's a weird thing for me to be saying that a sexual relationship should be attached to a marriage when I'm trying to find a sexual relationship with a woman and I'm actually married to very much of a man. Very much. And that, my friends, is called a paradox.

Answering Jim's Nice Letter. Maybe.

2008-08-26T16:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's been a while since I wrote. Why? When this lesbian thing comes up, as it does every so often, usually something sickens me so much that I don't have to worry about thinking about women for a while. It's a kind of self-punishment that usually works. Right now, I'm afraid to think about or look at a woman, except, of course, from the safety of the Canoga Park Bowl pit, where I regularly make jokes about cute women.
So, what's next? Who knows? But I received a nice e-mail recently from SOWAS fan, Jim, whose presence at Canoga Park Bowl is sorely missed:

I just read your Sunday post from your Thinking Mama blog, and I’d surely like to hear your life story sometime. I started to write that I’ve never known (not even to talk to) a former topless dancer, but that’s no big deal. I bet there’s very few people who can say they’ve ever known a former topless dancer who’s also been a university English instructor and a comic and a happily-married-to-a-man lesbian mom and … well, that’s why I’d like to read your bio; I figure that, at this rate, you’ve probably also been a test pilot and a concert pianist and who knows what else? It’s a marvel, to a rut-dwelling, routine-polishing underachiever like me. In any case, when you publish your autobiography, I hope you’ll sign my copy.

And I edit proposals that go to that big space agency in the sky. I'm not joking. Really, I'm doing that this week as a matter of fact. I'm procrastinating on finishing one as I write this entry. But Jim has posited some interesting things. I'm not your average mom. Or your average former topless dancer (my girlfriend at the time was a dancer and with enough vodka, I'd join her in Charlotte on the weekends--needless to say, for many reasons, my boyfriend at the time was pissed). But what about people like Jim? Good, solid, wonderful, steady rut dwellers. My husband would be, probably, a rut dweller if I didn't suggest crazy things like moving across the country. Or would he? Is he attracted to an anti-rut dweller like myself? I often try to make too much out of my relationships with guys. Guys are easy: Sex, Food, um, I think that's the end of the list. Women are much, much more complex, which may explain why my household has one woman and four men. And what has made me try so very hard not to be a rut dweller? Hmmm. Food for contemplation, indeed.

Now, about the lesbian stuff, let's hope that for now, I've rid myself of it for a bit. I mean, I'm still looking at women and such. Sort of. But I'm feeling bad about it and I find myself not doing it as often or for as long. It's easy to see why other lesbians dislike me; those in-your-face progressive types don't believe in taking a break. Or at least trying to. :)

The Formerly-Known-As-A-Lesbian Club

2008-08-16T01:14:00.000-07:00

So, it wouldn't be quite as popular, I'm guessing, as the Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Prince Club. Then again, maybe it would. Here's the scoop: I've been like a monk for much of the last fourteen years. Ah, but what was happening fourteen years ago? The winter Olympics, of course! I may be repeating myself here, but I so strongly remember how wonderful it was to sit in D.'s living room and watch ice skating with her. I could never have had that much fun with a straight man, not watching the Olympics anyway. Sometimes, as when the Olympics come around, I really begin to think about that night and its perfection. My thoughts simply must end, sometime, in thoughts of her and me at a gay bar in Raleigh, her fighting with her girlfriend and me feeling left out and used. But then again, watching ice skating with D., and my hand on her leg, well, that was well worth any pain I later endured.

Sometimes I need to talk about this stuff and that may be why I've used craigslist for woman hunting. Maybe somebody needs to form a Formerly-Known-As-A-Lesbian support group. Gosh, maybe I'd change my mind on support groups then. Currently, I think that they're pretty ridiculous, but if they were filled with women, now married and straight looking, who are open to the idea of sleeping with a woman. Well, that's one support group that I'd definitely want to attend.

Note to Jim:
Not being in the comedy scene nearly as much as I am, my children and Mr. Thinking Mama had never heard it. Because it is a clean spherochromatism joke (and believe me, I've heard the blue version of this joke and it ain't pretty), I read it to the Thinking Mama family. My seven-year-old figured out that what makes this joke is that "you expect color" and instead "you get black-and-white" in the punch line.

Jim, as much as I appreciate your humble efforts as a comic, I must tell you that your optical system joke (See "Lesbian Joke of the Day (and its origins)) is as old as the proverbial hills. It's not that it's not funny, of course, it's just that every optical systems engineer comic that I've ever worked with has told it. Believe me, and I mean no offense here, Jim, we professional comics have all laughed at the same spherochromatism joke for years. I can't believe that no one told it this past week when you were at Canoga Park Bowl; the optical systems engineer comics must have been at a conference. If you could make a fresh, new joke about it, one with the same scientists (the blonde is essential to the essence of this joke, as you know), but with them, say, sitting under an apple tree and an apple falling and the scientists discovering a ray-fan plot . . . well, I know that I'm laughing already, just from the mere thought of such a joke. Comics from coast to coast would really appreciate it.

Lesbian Joke of the Day (and its origins)

2008-08-14T01:41:00.001-07:00

After a couple of drinks, I become a straight woman.

As many times as I've said this to people, I completely forgot to say it at Canoga Park Bowl this week. I may have never said it, in fact, at the Bowl. I should definitely say it soon.

The serious behind the comic: As a former English teacher at a major engineering-oriented university, I am used to dealing with people who have no humor, i.e., much of the politically correct English department. Unlike engineers, lawyers, doctors, and others, many teachers completely forget to laugh, especially those professor types in the higher ups of academia. On the other hand, one of my graduate school professors, Dr. Robert Young, had one of the absolutely sharpest wits I have ever encountered. He was quite a writer, something that can be said of only a few in the academic world. Anyway, here's a more morose statement of that joke:

No matter how much I drink, I cannot, for the sake of me, seem to make myself straight. No matter how drunk that I am or am not, I will always like breasts more than a man's hairy chest (although I am okay with the hairy chest) and I will always like thinking about sex with a woman more than I like thinking about sex with a man. It's taken me a while to learn this interesting and probably not-ever-changing fact. So I'll say that at least that's the way things have been so far.

But I've tried drinking myself into a fetal position on the floor of my boyfriend's bathroom and I've tried drinking a bottle of wine each day or so. Neither of these things have been very helpful in the coming-to-terms-with-being-queer category of my life. It's extremely easy to play the straight woman, especially considering that I am mostly around straight women. I am also most attracted to straight women. When we used to do a comedy show at the Vu in Newhall, I flirted all the time with totally hot bartender Alison (sp?--I've tried to forget :). But that show ended and the last time that I saw her was at her son's first birthday party. Sometimes I wish I didn't like straight women at all. It's difficult, sometimes, to be around a bunch of straight women and to like one of them and to know that she will never like you. It's comforting as well. As a housewife, it's good to be attracted to the unavailable. What would I do if I were attracted to someone who is available, and who liked me as well as I liked her?

SOWAS Fan of the Evening

2008-08-12T01:41:00.000-07:00

And the award goes to Jim, who is really, really, really a real person. I am glad to know that. I mean, I didn't check his identification or anything; that's not my cup o' tea. But he seems to be the Jim of this blog. And he was the treasured Audience Member of the Evening at Canoga Park Bowl, or one could even stop before the preposition and say that he was our only Audience Member tonight at Canoga Park Bowl. Of course, Mike Muratore sang his "Lesbian Mom" song. He is planning to pitch Lesbian Mom to HBO or Showtime or one of those networks: And I'll be the star! Who else can fry bacon with a dildo as well as Lesbian Mom? In fact, here's a bit of a Lesbian Mom song, written by Mike Muratore and comedy duo Jimmy and Joey. And of course, there's a bit of me in there, somewhere. I'm really, really sorry for the p-word. I substituted "women" for it in an earlier post. :

Lesbian Mom

Lesbian Mom, she has kids and eats pussy;
Lesbian Mom, she'll bake the muffins and then she eats them;
Lesbian Mom, sixty-nine's her favorite number;
Lesbian Mom, she'll make your water boil, then she'll change your oil;

I'm telling you, SOWAS readers, this new Lesbian Mom show, produced by Mike Muratore, is going to be oh, so very hot!

I can't help but wonder if Jim has noticed that L.A. is filled with a bunch of narcisstic a-holes, for the most part. I don't know if Jim appreciates fully how
lucky he was to be at the Bowl this evening, where nice people (except for the really big guy who fell during my set and who walked out on John DiResta's set) abound. I wish sometimes that I could look at L.A. from the perspective that Jim must have, a perspective that I used to have. But we have been living here for eight years now and I'm not so sure that I could get that perspective back, no matter how much I desired to do so. I appreciate more fully the Bowl because I have lived here for a while now and I appreciate safe places such as that one more than I ever have previously.

Anyway, it was great to have Jim as an audience member, the head of the Thinking Mama Fan Club table, such as it was.

Did I Say I Was A Good Lesbian?

2008-08-10T04:41:00.000-07:00

Look, I've mainly been promoting myself lately and I haven't much talked about the whole lesbian thing. The truth is that this lesbian thing goes in cycles. Not that I'm not a lesbian all the time; I am. But the desires, the crushes, the incessant thinking about women--that comes and goes. Well, or at least I seem to orchestrate it that way. What I mean is that I have been so disgusted by what has happened sexually (lesbianly?) the last few months that I am sick of women. Or as I told Mr. Comic Mom the other day: I don't like [women] enough to actually live with a woman. What I mean by that is that women are complicated and men are easy. It's easier for me to live an easy life with men (and I live with three other ones besides Mr. Comic Mom) than to live with the complications of a woman, despite my sexual desire for them. Perhaps this is my way of dealing with being a lesbian but not living the Gay Agenda Person (GAP) life. :)

Canoga Park Bowl

2008-08-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

For those of you who want to see me play The Peni$ Game at Canoga Park Bowl, here's the information. The Canoga Park Bowl comedy show starts at 8 p.m. each Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday evening. I usually play The Peni$ Game between 8:30 and 9:30 p.m. Note that I only play The Peni$ Game on Monday and Tuesday nights. I don't play The Peni$ Game on the Lord's Day of Comedy, each Sunday night. Instead, I usually do a Lord's Day of Comedy Word of the Day. It's usually a word that I've covered in this blog; last night's was "clitoral orgasm." I don't know exactly if my Word of the Day fits that well into the whole Lord's Day of Comedy thing. But then again, the Lord did make us man and woman. Anyway, here are the details:

Dante's Divine Comedy presents
The Lord's Day of Comedy: Every Sunday Night
Canoga Park Bowl
8 p.m.--Every Sunday Night
Canoga Park Bowl
20122 Vanowen St. (corner of Winnetka and Vanowen, just off the 101!)
Winnetka, CA 91306
818-340-5190

This week's comics:
Jay Cramer * Tricia Shore * Lil’ D * Mel Kohl * Fia Perrera * Rebekah Kochan * Dante * Ken Pringle * Janet Chiara * Matt Walker * Mike Muratore * Jason Love * Terry Rooke * John Mader

The Peni$ Game, part of Momedy Comedy: Every Monday and Tuesday Night
Canoga Park Bowl
8 p.m.--Every Monday and Tuesday Night
Canoga Park Bowl
20122 Vanowen St. (corner of Winnetka and Vanowen, just off the 101!)
Winnetka, CA 91306
818-340-5190

SOWAS Word of the Day: Clitoral Orgasm

2008-07-28T02:14:00.000-07:00

Today's word, and actually it's two words, is clitoral orgasm. Some of the things that I found when I googled this phrase were too much for me to swallow. Wait a minute, I didn't mean to pun there. Or did I? Whatever the case, I found a Web site that looked interesting in the clitoral orgasm department. Check it out if you want to know more.

Jim, I'm getting questions by the truckload here at the Gingerbread House. You've started something of a snowball here. Well, I guess I'm not actually getting them at the Gingerbread House per se, but at Canoga Park Bowl. For instance, just last week, a young gentleman said to me, when I was explaining The Peni$ Game, something to the effect of: It sounds as though you want a penis.

I'll have to say that I was shocked. Absolutely shocked! I do so often wear a skirt. How could I possibly want a penis? And what would I do with it other than use it to have sex with a girl. But then again, as tonight's Canoga Park Bowl bartender said, "that's what I use mine for." Yes, evidently using a penis for sex with a girl is quite popular for many straight guys. So, what am I saying here? I'm not really sure, but the bottom line is that other than that use, and perhaps peeing from time to time, what use is a penis? Well, to me, anyway.

So, come on and tell me, straight guys, what are the advantages to having a penis, other than having sex with a girl? Even though I know that having sex with a girl is indeed a huge advantage, in and of itself.

More Strap-On Stuff

2008-07-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

I'm continuing to answer Jim's questions. I love intelligent, thoughtful questions. I answered Question #1 in an earlier post. I've included it here so that there will be no unclear pronoun reference in Question #2.

1. Do most married lesbians own strap-ons?

2. If so, do they name them, as men are alleged to name their flesh units? (By the way, I've never known or even heard of a man who named his short-arm.)

3. What colors of strap-ons are acceptable in lesbian circles? Would hot pink be OK, or does it have to be like black or brown or maybe a Caucasian flesh color? How about day-glo orange, or neon green?

Regarding the naming of strap-ons, Jim, I'll have to say that I would need a survey of lesbians to help me figure out the answer. Well, I'm just putting it out there . . . What I mean by that, of course, is that I have never dated a girl who named, to my knowledge, her strap-on. On the other hand--and how do I put this delicately?--I tend not to date girls who wear strap-ons. There are those girls out there who appreciate strap-ons and those tend to be my kind of girls.

As far as colors of strap-ons go, well, I simply must point Jim and any other Strap-on with a Skirt (SOWAS) readers to check out Victoria's Secret for lesbians; as I write that, I realize that Victoria's Secret specializes in female underwear. Babeland's specialty is not the underwear per se, but what goes on underneath the underwear. Still, I think that the comparison is somewhat apt, although I don't know if Babeland girls can beat the utter bitchiness of those Victoria's Secret chicks. Having said that, please know that I also tend to be very attracted to bitches; therefore, I wasn't exactly making a derogatory remark in the previous sentence.

The link that I gave to Babeland is a pretty tame one. But click on their "Dildos" section only if you work at home. Personally, when it comes to dildos, it would seem as though the more natural would be better. But there are those, evidently, who are into day-glo, et al.

Oh, and I'm not one to ask about what goes on in lesbian circles. I don't hang out very much in lesbian circles. In fact, in the circles that I'm in, I tend to be the lesbian expert, if you will. Usually.

Another Jim Question: Do most married lesbians own strap-ons?

2008-07-17T23:46:00.001-07:00

Gosh, Jim, your comments are worth reading and I hope that strap-on readers will certainly do so!

I'm going to take them one at a time and because I'm fairly sleepy, I may not do more than one tonight. Anyway, here goes:

Jim Question 1. Do most married lesbians own strap-ons?

Now here's a question I, for one, would love to know the answer to. In fact, I can say that I would love to do the research to find this out! However, the reason that I started this blog is because, as a happily married lesbian, I felt as lonely as the Maytag repairman, whom you may remember. But at least he was paid for his loneliness! I am sad to say that the only other married lesbian that I've met, at least as far as I know, is the one that I met a little over a year ago, through a Craigslist ad. She had four children, one a baby, when I met her. She also had a girlfriend, of course. I think that every girl I've ever truly been interested in has had a girlfriend. Except, of course, for the ones that had a boyfriend. Anyway, she, and I'll call her beach babe (B.B.) was somewhat disgusted and intrigued by coming into the Valley to meet me one night after a comedy show. We ended up drinking a bit and using our medical marijuana licenses and then we went to a topless bar. Gosh, I'm telling too much here. But I never kissed her or anything, although she was extremely hot and I felt extremely attracted to her. Her husband made a lot of money and if the Valley was too much for her, I'd hate for her to have accompanied me to, say, North Carolina, especially in the country, and I do mean country, where I grew up. The gap between B.B. and me was way too wide, although I wonder sometimes if she wasn't attracted to me as well. She was Catholic (her children went to a private Catholic school) and she was wealthy; I tend to find myself attracted to women who don't like to work too hard and are very religious or have a strong religious background. B.B. and I had a fabulous evening and many conversations on the phone; the last conversation was after a comedy show, with her girlfriend. I was kind of turned off with the whole Craigslist thing after that, although I'll say that I have met some interesting women on that list, including those married ones who claim to use a strap-on regularly. I never met them in person, however, and my research would be shabby if I merely trusted what they said in an e-mail. I think that my ad may have asked for a married woman who wears a strap-on or some such. Sometimes I just can't believe I'm writing this stuff. :)

Nonetheless, I didn't get around to asking B.B. about her strap-on status, or lack thereof. Believe me, I sure wish that I knew.

Questions? I got questions!

2008-07-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Jim, who asked some great ones:

Do you still experience sexual desire for your husband?

If so, do you think it's because you already love him, or do you think you would still desire him if you met him for the first time today?

I guess what I'm asking is, are you bisexual? Exclusively lesbian? Primarily lesbian?

You can read his whole comment under my comments for "Questions? I need questions!"
Unfortunately, tonight's audience at the Canoga Park Bowl consisted, when I was up, of one guy at the bar. Fortunately, he was pleasant; unfortunately, his mom was a lesbian! As Jeff Foxworthy would say, "If I'm lying, I'm dying." Well, he said his mom was a lesbian. That part I know. I haven't exactly checked out the rumor myself. Anyway, I sensed issues surrounding things with his mom, somehow, and I tensed up. Later, I might possibly think of a way that I can dispel that tension, but for tonight's show, I switched to The Peni$ Game, just in the nick of time, as they say. I'll say this about The Peni$ Game; it can save your lesbian butt from time to time.

Speaking of The Peni$ Game, I would certainly like to answer Jim's questions:

J: Do you still experience sexual desire for your husband?

T: The interesting word here is "still," as in after what experience? I'm sure there's some fancy schmancy Latin word for "after what experience, as "esse quam videri" (apologies to my wonderful Latin teachers, if I spelled or translated wrong) means "to be rather than to seem" and is North Carolina's state motto. But let us gently and kindly move on from the realm of Latin: If you ever want to diminish your sexual desire for the human race in general, including any one special person, I highly suggest coming out as a lesbian in a blog. I understand why people are afraid to come out. It ruins sex forever. :) Well, maybe not forever. I sure hope not forever.

Although I don't want to give details about my personal life (well, beyond the fact that I'm a homeschooling, breastfeeding, lesbian mom :), I'll simply say that my husband is probably more sexually satisfied than the husbands of most straight women. Then again, I've never done a survey. As for my sexual desire, I try to channel it into my marriage. Sexuality is an issue for me, obviously, and I don't think that sexual desires, no matter how strong, can overrule the logical part unless I allow those desires to do so. On the other hand, maybe I just haven't yet met the right woman. But am I really looking for her? What are desires? And at what point must desires be fulfilled?

J: If so, do you think it's because you already love him, or do you think you would still desire him if you met him for the first time today?

T: What a fabulous place to go into what is "desire"? Or maybe it's a terrible place to go into it. I already do love my husband, I love living with him and I love having children with him. When I dated lesbians, I had a much different time sexually, but I never got pregnant. I realized that I was going to have to get me some relatively normal guy who would accept the fact that I liked girls, that I am "bisexual," as I put it then. I felt the same feelings today that I felt then--what I mean by that is meeting and dating my husband did not take away feelings that I have for women. Being married to him doesn't take away my feelings for women. Coming out as a lesbian? Okay, that takes away my feelings for women. :)

Do I desire him, and have I ever, the way that I desire a woman? Of course not. He's missing a vagina and breasts. And I thank God for that; I really do. He's such a wonderful guy and I'm glad that he chose me to bear and raise his children. That's a real honor.

J: I guess what I'm asking is, are you bisexual? Exclusively lesbian? Primarily lesbian?

T: I am definitely a lesbian, and I forgive you for putting me on a scale, the Kinsey one, if I remember correctly. There's this idea that there's a continuum of sexuality and maybe there is, but Kinsey's continuum studies, right or wrong, rule the Gay Agenda Person (GAP) roost, so to speak. I'm lesbian because I like women. I'm like a boy in that particular department. So, sometimes I'm like a straight male. Maybe that's why I like straight males so much. :)

Thanks, Jim, for your questions. I highly appreciate questions from thoughtful people; such people make me think, an activity that pleases me greatly.

Now, if I can just figure out how to make this stuff funny . . .

Questions? I need questions!

2008-07-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

Loyal Strap-on Readers, I need some help! Please ask any and all questions that you would like to ask a married lesbian. Please don't worry--I won't use your name, unless you pay or ask me to. I'll take any kinds of questions, but the more personal, the better. I think. :)

Any questions asked may be used in my new "Questions for a Married Lesbian" game, scheduled to debut this evening at the Canoga Park Bowl in lovely downtown Canoga Park.

So, go ahead, ask a married lesbian!

A Bible Verse for the Feminists

2008-07-08T01:19:00.001-07:00

I remember after all the hullabaloo with A., the first woman I was ever intimate with, and the resulting break-up with my boyfriend, which was probably a good thing, that A. told me she'd heard that I "got religion and got married." Well, that's sort of true. My first husband was Catholic and I, a Southern Baptist, converted to Catholicism. It didn't stop any gay feelings, of course. When I talked with A., around the time of my first marriage, and she told me that she'd heard I found religion, I thought: Perhaps I've found relition, but I still want to have sex with women. Things had not gone well with her after our tryst (sp?) and so I didn't actually say anything to her about the whole sex thing. In fact, after our first wonderful evening together, things were awkward. I wish they hadn't been. She was a topless dancer at the time, by the way, and sometimes, I'd go to Charlotte for the weekend, where she was living, and we both earned some extra cash by dancing. I had to be really drunk to do it, of course. I really thought that the whole marriage and Catholic thing, especially at the same time, would certainly make me stop thinking about A. or about any other woman. I did get out of the topless dancing business, but my plan to stop thinking about women failed miserably.

Nonetheless, I wondered about what A. had said. Am I really that religious? Or is it as Mike Muratore, the serial killer of comedy, said in the video that's way too nasty to put on my MySpace site: Tricia was a Christian and then she saw vagina! Now look, that's one of the better lines, and there were some fabulous ones on that time. The funny thing about comedy is that there's usually some truth in it or else it wouldn't be funny. Mike will then sing the following to the tune of "M-i-c-k-e-y . . . ": "V-a-g-i-n-a . . . " Good grief!

Gosh, I think that it's time for some Bible verses, which I promised a couple of weeks back, after Preacher Kenny's sermon. Actually, I've got the church bulletin somewhere but not near me right now. And I'm tired. So, for now, the passage from Ephesians that I was going to quote regarding adultery is replaced with this sassy little verse, which I love, Ephesians 5: 21-27.

Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands.

Let's be honest: What man isn't subject to his wife? :)
However, this hierarchy is an excellent goal, despite the feminists' bitching about it so very much. I thought about these types of verses, supposedly anti-women, as I saw today, in a recent Independent Weekly advertisement, about some "Power of Women" seminar that's coming soon to North Carolina. It was all over the whole women-have-unleashed-power thing. In truth, what really happens when women have power? I know most lesbians would disagree with me here, stating that women in power is awesome or some dumb crap thing that fits well into the politically correct world of academia. Maybe that's why I've had trouble finding a girlfriend . . . . :) I think that when women have power, we usually abuse it and whine and ask for more laws. Egads!

Gay Mortification Day

2008-06-29T18:11:00.000-07:00

There are few things that make me say, I'm so glad that I live in Los Angeles, but thinking about what goes on in San Francisco is one of the few things that can. That said, San Francisco is an absolutely gorgeous city. It is one of the first cities that I visited in California, while I was in college, and our firstborn may well have been conceived there. Mr. Comic Mom and I had a fabulous Valentine's Day weekend in San Francisco, nine months before our first son was born. Nonetheless, people are indeed crazier there than even here in sinful Southern California. But this story does the trick, making me extremely thankful that I don't live in a place that reeks of weirdness even more than L.A.

I first saw a Gay Mortification Day in New York City, while I was living there one summer. It was in June, around Father's Day weekend, ironically, and it included such a cast of freaks that I had to stop and look.

But this thing has gone way too far. As I've mentioned before on this very blog, I can't stand the state's intrusion into anyone's bedroom, especially mine, and I think that marriage certificates and state permission to marry is totally bizarre.

Tell that to these crazy folks in San Francisco, however. They just don't get it. They have hopelessly succumbed to being Gay Agenda Persons and they don't seem able to stop themselves from being thrilled that the state has injected itself into their bedroom. The scariest comment comes from the guy who says that he hopes this dumbass totalitarian wildfire spreads:

Jim Saslow carried a bouquet to the march down Manhattan's Fifth Avenue and wore a wedding gown stamped with the words, "Coming Here Soon?"

"Everyone here is thinking if California can do it then we should be able to do it here soon," he said.

I can only imagine the weirdness of seeing old Jim wearing a wedding gown.

Is it any wonder that there are people who dislike gays and lesbians?!?

There is, however, a glimmer of hope, at least for our dear Guvernator, who hasn't dared to let out his Libertarian fantasies ever since he took office (and probably before):

In a taped interview Sunday morning on NBC's "Meet the Press," Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger called the measure "a waste of time."

"I personally believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman," Schwarzenegger said. "But at the same time I think that my, you know, belief, I don't want to force on anyone else."

I'm not really sure what he means by all this, but it almost seems as though he believes marriage between whomever should be a private matter. Now, if only he'll keep that belief in his mind for a while.

Nonetheless, gay people everywhere are trying to influence the chance that we have to speak about this issue at the voting booth, as we did in 2000:

The initiative set to go before voters in November would provide that "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California." Its language was taken directly from a gay marriage ban enacted by voters in 2000, one of two the state Supreme Court found unconstitutional and struck down on May 15.

I remember how I voted in 2000, right before giving birth to my firstborn, and I plan to vote the same way this time around. Now, if we can just get the government out of the man and woman marriage as well.

Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery

2008-06-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

Well, that headline got your attention, didn't it? Anyway, it happened to be the title, such as there was a title at all, to Preacher Kenny's message today. Or rather, yesterday. We're just now stopping after a long night of traveling.
Preacher Kenny is going through The Ten Commandments, those ancient documents that no one seems to follow much anymore, especially that Sabbath Day one. This week's message, however, was one targeted right to me. Well, sort of. I often feel the Preacher is talking right to me.

I took some notes and I may expand this entry later, but I am dog tired and I need to hit the proverbial sack.

Preacher Kenny said that naturally, and I think that he meant in a natural state, the most beautiful thing to a man is a woman. And the most beautiful thing, he guessed but of course, not from his own personal experience, to a woman is a man. Well, what happens when a woman thinks that the most beautiful thing is another woman? Hmmm.

That's certainly what's happened right much to me and it's unlikely to stop.

Preacher Kenny also read about how lusting in your heart is as bad as doing the deed itself. The Bible, King James Version, says it much more eloquently, of course, and I plan to quote some Scripture later. Suffice to say, the first thought that came to mind after hearing Preacher Kenny say this was, Is lusting on your blog the same thing as doing the deed itself?

What about lusting in your blog? I've been doing lots of it, in hopes of keeping the lust confined to my blog. But am I helping or hurting matters?

And does that whole "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" commandment apply to married lesbians? Is it wrong for two married women to kiss each other? Not that there's any chance of that in the immediate future for me, but I'm just wondering . . .

There's a lot more thinking and writing that I need to do about this matter, but for now, I don't think that I'm calling that Craig's List woman back.

East of the Mississippi

2008-06-20T18:42:00.000-07:00

Funny how things change when I am East of the Mississippi. I don't feel nearly as gay anymore, nearly as sexual, nearly as creative. I don't know why this is. The Peni$ Game, which has a nifty Find-A-Word to it each week at Canoga Park, seems insignificant East of the Mississippi. Today, I was swimming with a friend of mine and mentioned "a guy I used to date" and "his sister, who was one of my best friends." The reality was that I was enamored with the sister; she was, in fact, one of my first crushes. But I dated her brother instead, making myself fall in love with him. Falling in love with a woman just wasn't done. Or so it seemed. I'm not really angry about that, at least I don't think so. I'm merely reporting the way that things were. And what would have happened if I'd declared my crush on this girl instead of dating her brother? I think that the results would have been less good, if "less good" is even a state of being in proper English.

I can't help but wonder why it was so very easy for me to tell my swimming friend today that I was dating a guy, but it was not so easy to say that I so had a crush on the guy's sister. It's interesting how I translate everything so that I can fit in easily in the straight world, at least on the outside. I'm glad that I can do this. And as always, I'm glad that I'm married and have children. But still, sometimes I think, "It's been a long time since I kissed a woman." It's not very Southern Baptist, very Christian, or very straight of me to say such a thing, now, is it?

The Gay Agenda

2008-06-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

I may have another entry with this title, but it's worth repeating. I mentioned in an earlier post that I absolutely hate the idea that the state got itself involved in my, or anyone's, marriage. I so agree with Jim, who stated that the same thing happened to him as happened to me, although I didn't have the excuse of being under 21 at the time. :)

A little over ten years ago, I also signed that state document, allowing the state of North Carolina, totalitarian as it's becoming, to be a party in my marriage. A few years after I allowed the state to become a part of my bedroom by this ridiculous approval, I learned that I not only did not need the state of North Carolina to approve and be a party to my marriage, but I also did not want it to be. Lesson learned, but too late. I remember trying to appease this person who waited with baited breath for the supposed honor of signing my marriage certificate. I was guilted into allowing her to sign this document, when I really wanted a better and closer friend to do it. That whole guilting experience, which I allowed, was a microcosm for allowing the state of North Carolina to guilt me into allowing it into my bedroom. Yuck!

Marriage is a promise between two people and God. Or, in the case of polygamy, between a few people and God. Or between two people and not God. Or whatever you want it to be. But it is indeed a private matter and no business of the state's.

Listen to the gay agenda people, however, and you'll hear a different tune. Most of these folks can't stand the idea of the government, say, arresting someone for some outdated sodomy law, which is also none of the government's business. But they are fine and okay, and in fact, encourage the government's intrusion into their bedroom via state marriage approval.

Ah, but this kind of illogical thinking is only one of the many benefits of the gay agenda persons (GAPs). Just as all women are supposed to believe the feminist crap that's been foisted on the United States, all gay people are supposed to be for gay marriage. And we're all supposed to be in gay relationships, not in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex. And we're all supposed to believe that we're victims, i.e., that we were born gay, when the reality is that sexuality is a much more complex matter.

But it's not at all complex to the gay agenda people. Nope. They've got it all figured out. Anyone who disagrees with their agenda is called homophobic, even though I have, personally, never met anyone who is actually afraid of gay people, which is what this word implies.

It's enough to make me want to scream. The GAPs are just as mean to people like me, who don't fit into their perfect little queer mold, as the Republican agenda persons(RAPs) are to Ron Paul delegates. Funny thing is that most GAPs never ever see themselves in any form or fashion like the Republican party.

Just because I am a woman doesn't mean that I have to accept all that feminist crap and just because I am a lesbian doesn't mean that I have to accept all the gay agenda crap.

Whatever happened to individuality?

Gay Marriage

2008-06-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

In case you're wondering how I feel about this whole gay marriage "debate" in California, an excellent distraction from the Constitution's being torn to shreds, I think that the state has no business in heterosexual, homosexual, or polygamist marriage. In fact, I think that the state has no business in anyone's relationships. Therefore, I'm against saying that the state must approve of it, or of heterosexual marriage. I hope to explain more about this later.

To Meet or Not To Meet?

2008-06-03T00:11:00.000-07:00

Actually, in this case, that's not quite the question. The question is whether or not the T.G. thing would work for me. I talked with Mr. Comic Mom about this very question and asked him if he'd like it if I didn't tell him about any attraction to women and if I totally hid any "playing" from him, so much so that I went out of my way to avoid telling him. Turns out, that wouldn't work for him. And I'm glad. It's not a great thing to keep such a secret from one's spouse, I think, although I totally respect T.G.'s right to do so.

The question is: Do I want to allow someone in my life who has such a different philosophy? Mr. Comic Mom says that he would be much more hurt if he found out I'd been doing something for twenty years and making such pains to hide it from him. He says that if he found out about something like that after all those years that he would totally not be able to trust me. And I totally respect his opinion. I agree with him. I could have been hiding stuff from him this whole time, but the irony is that I've hidden not much from him--okay, maybe he doesn't know about the going out with Jodie Foster thing . . . .

Okay, I'm joking about the Jodie Foster thing, although if I were going out with her, I don't think that I would be able to hide my joy or my own astonishment at my good luck.

But some people are okay with hiding the lesbian part of themselves from their man.

An Alternate View

2008-05-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how much guilt and just plain awfulness that I sometimes feel about this blog, and about telling people about the whole lesbian thing. Can't I just keep my mouth shut, as I've been doing for years?

For me, things got to the point where I felt as though being quiet about everything was hurting me. I can't help but wonder if not speaking the truth helped in all my teeth problems, which are currently being fixed by orthodontia.

Whatever the case, I met someone through Craig's List who does things differently. I mention her view because I want people to know the different ways of being a lesbian. The Lesbian and Gay agenda seem to think that there's only one way, to leave your husband and be with a woman. However, as I suspected, many women are in my position. I try to deal with my feelings by writing about them. Teacher Girl (T.G.) deals with them by acting on them. I'm not saying that she even lives in Southern California, and I don't want anyone to be identified here, which is why I'm using non-identifying information. Her husband does not even know about her feelings, which, she claims, saves his feelings. When she goes "out with a friend," she may be simply going out to dinner; or she may "play," as she calls it. Playing includes being intimate with the woman friend. She claims that this method has worked for her for years. Perhaps this kind of thing is what I was looking for at one time, and gave up on finding. Anytime I've ever tried to do anything with a "friend," the repercussions have been not so great, except for the first time that I was with a woman, when the woman asked me if I'd ever thought about being with a woman. That situation worked out just fine, except for the guilt that I felt and my resulting action, which was telling my boyfriend immediately after the event--a bad move, by the way. I'm intrigued by T.G.'s philosophy; and, by the way, it's almost as though she didn't think of herself as a lesbian, despite the fact that she has sex with women.

As the saying goes, there is more than one way to skin a cat. T.G.'s way works for her; she's honest about it, but sees no need to tell her husband. Who am I to judge? But isn't it interesting to wonder how many T.G.s are out there, quietly living our middle-class seemingly heterosexual lives.

Once you Go Lesbian . . .

2008-05-28T00:57:00.000-07:00

you never go to Home Depot alone again? That's not quite it, but there is something there. I've known a few guys, including, of course, Mr. Comic Mom, who've gone lesbian. What makes an otherwise totally normal straight guy attracted to a lesbian? I'm finding out. Well, about one, anyway. :)

I'm not a very good lesbian, as I've mentioned previously. And how many Southern Baptist married lesbians have you talked with lately?

In the midst of this whole group thing, and a new realization of what I should think about not writing about, I realize that I've admitted to having a crush on a real woman. That's a strange thing for me to do.

Mr. Comic Mom, a very normal and very straight guy, by the way, told me tonight that he doesn't know whether it's weirder that I had a crush on a woman or that I wrote about it on my blog. Well, I have to agree. Look, I'm not entirely comfortable with this whole thing either. That's why I write about it.

Speaking of straight men, Jim asked about what the Bible says specifically about married lesbians. I'm thinking that the lesbians of which Paul apparently speaks in Romans were indeed married. Why? Because they exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. It's my understanding that if anyone had relations in those days that that person should be married. Going from proper to improper, as defined by Paul, would seem to imply that the women were going from their husbands to their bitches, or whatever the vernacular was at the time. So, I'm assuming that these women were indeed married, marriage being something that, at the time, wasn't easily dissolved.

This whole thing leads me to wonder if there have always been lesbians in every group of people. My guess is that there have and that lesbians of those days either married or stayed single and became a gypsy or something. I don't know, of course, but I'm just wondering . . .

What the Bible Says . . .

2008-05-23T12:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I'll not be the most popular lesbian on the block for quoting this scripture, but we came across it the other day and I read it to the boys:

Romans 1:24-32

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed for ever! Amen.

For this reason God gave them up to dishonorable passions. Their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural, and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men and receiving in their own persons the due penalty for their error.

And since they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them up to a base mind and to improper conduct. They were filled with all manner of wickedness, evil, covetousness, malice. Full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malignity, they are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless. Though they know God's decree that those who do such things deserve to die, they not only do them but approve whose who practice them. (The New Oxford Annotated Bible)

Well, it seems to me that more than just those who practice sexual acts between the same sex are implicated here. But how many times do you hear people read only the first paragraph, as it's divided here, and use it to condemn homosexuality, or use it to condemn those who condemn homosexuality. Hardly anyone reads on in Paul's letter:

Romans 2:

Therefore you have no excuse, O man, whoever you are, when you judge another; for in passing judgment upon him you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, are doing the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who do such things. Do you suppose, O man, that when you judge those who do such things and yet do them yourself, you will escape the judgment of God?

Seems to me that both these passages, as well as the letter and its context, are important in evaluating the first passage's reference to homosexuality.

Men Are Welcome Here!

2008-05-20T23:41:00.000-07:00

Under the "Penis or Vagina" entry, Jim Wetzel comments on the usefulness of this blog to his understanding of lesbians, especially lesbians who are married to men. We're out here! Oh, if I didn't hate the gay agenda cliches so vehemently, I'd say something like: We're here and we're queer! Yuck!

That's the thing about having my own blog. Unlike the Lavender Visions Web site, which is for women who are married to men and lesbian, my blog welcomes men. I think men are fabulous and I think that many of them, like Jim, seek to understand the lesbian thing. So do I. Although I can only speak for myself, I can say that I'm still trying to figure it all out. Any men who want to come along on this blog journey are welcome to do so.

And Jim, when it's not so late, I plan to quote some Bible verses regarding homosexuality. Thanks for asking!

Penis or Vagina?

2008-05-20T00:20:00.000-07:00

Does it really matter? I think that it does, but then again, I'm not so sure that I've been explaining myself very well about it. I'm beginning to understand that this whole married lesbian thing is confusing to people. Well, it's confusing to me as well, which is why I write about it. To me, right now, it's much better to write about someone that I have a crush on, or whatever, than to actually be involved with someone. I'm a writer; writers write. Kind of like Loni Anderson's character, Jennifer, on WKRP in Cincinnati once said when there was a party at her house and everyone wondered how she could live in such a gorgeous house on a receptionist's salary. Only when I started working in a radio station myself did I fully understand how little a receptionist's salary could be. Nonetheless, Loni Anderson's reply was: I'm a receptionist; receptionists receive. And so I feel the same way about writing, except that I get paid about as much as a radio receptionist. Maybe that will change for the better soon.

Anyway, why am I writing about this stuff? Don't I just realize that I'm confusing people? And what's the end result? The truth here is that I don't rightly know the answers to these questions. In the same way that receptionist Jennifer on WKRP receives, I'm a writer; writers write. Part of the reason that this whole group think incident has me in a tizzy is because I don't think that most of those mad moms get it: This blog is about writing, which sometimes but not always includes doing. The better question is: Where will writing lead me? That's a scary question and I've been asking myself that, and nudging along my writing, ever since I lived on Maynard Road in Cary. Writing has taken me a long way and, in fact, I followed my writing dream to come to UCLA's screenwriting program; writing is the reason that we're out here now. No wonder I hate writing so much. :) Just joking. Well, sort of.

Anyway, back to the perhaps overly provocative title to my post. Does it matter that I'm a woman? Am I not talking about women in the same way as men? Look, folks, this issue is complicated and I don't claim to have all the answers. That's why I'm writing. I mean no harm to anyone in my quest and fortunately, Mr. Comic Mom is extremely open-minded; then again, he also trusts me, as he should. I don't know what will become of all this, but my writing friend Andy Duncan has suggested that perhaps it will be a book deal. Oh, I can just see the Oprah watchers on that one.

I think it does matter, for the record, that I have a vagina and no penis. It does not piss me off when people ask that question, but it pisses me greatly when people assume to know the answer to it, especially when those people have no idea what it's like to desire a person of the same sex. That said, I'm very happily married to Mr. Comic Mom, who is, admittedly, one of the straightest men on earth. People seem surprised to find out that a straight man could be happy with a lesbian, but it happens all the time. Stephen Bell, for instance, has dated two lesbians and I'm sure that he's happy I'm placing his dating information on the Internet (this will get you, Stephen, for not reading my whole blog and just searching for your name :).

The point is that a lot of very straight men are very happy with a lesbian mate. And it's not just because of the threesome thing. In fact, I've informed Mr. Comic Mom and anyone else who bothers to inquire that a threesome is not for me. I think there are lots of good things about being married to a lesbian if you're a straight man; for instance, you can both look at women.

But is being a lesbian the same as having a penis? Perhaps, but perhaps not. Being a lesbian is certainly similar to being a straight man, but it is also not at all like being a straight man. So, what are the rules for lesbians married to men? I know what the Bible says. And I know what lots of mainstream thinkers believe. But do I know the precise answer for me? Not yet. So, how could anyone else tell me that it doesn't matter that I don't have a penis. It matters very much indeed.

I Apologize!

2008-05-19T03:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not much for public apologies, but if I have wronged anyone through my writing, please forgive me. As always, I intend no harm. I've written a bit about this group that recently, well, something happened and I am trying to figure out what. I've also written about it here. After hearing more of the story, I realize that I may have judged too quickly. I apologize for any harm done through my words. I intended not to hurt anyone, but also became quickly defensive when I heard that things were being said about me. There's this saying: The only bad publicity is no publicity and I don't care what you write, just make sure you spell my name correctly. Sometimes feelings get in the way and I forget that words are only words. As long as no one is harming my family or me, I'm okay. Sometimes I worry too much about what people say and I need to focus on what I need to do instead of what other people are saying about me. I had thought that a person I like very much was betraying me. Turns out that I was wrong.

What does all this have to do with being a lesbian, which is what this blog is all about? I do find it hard to trust women and in this case, I felt very attacked by what seems to be a poorly written letter by a well-meaning busybody. I remember when an old girlfriend, Apple Pie Girl, told me once, "When you see a woman who's a bitch, you're really attracted to her." I'll have to say that A.P. Girl's right about that and I often find difficult women quite attractive, as A.P. Girl certainly was. She was an extremely attractive bitch and never an extremely attractive butch. Well, not usually anyway. She was extremely feminine. I suppose I try to make every woman into a bitch sometimes (but never into a butch--although I am quite good at spotting butches) and quite honestly, turning every woman into a bitch is not very nice. The woman that I find myself attracted to these days--and I am naming no names, dates, places, or anything else here--is not at all a bitch. She is sweet and loving. Perhaps I am now noticing the sweet and loving parts of people instead of the bitch parts. Whatever the case, I still fear the whole bitch thing and when something such as this occurs, I find myself going first to blaming the bitch(es). It's not blaming the butches, however, because really, I try hard to stay away from the butches. :)

Now, I Understand

2008-05-17T11:39:00.000-07:00

Thank God for real friends, friends who like you no matter what, people who are real and not fake. It's been my experience that fake people need to lie. I don't know exactly why a group that we've been going to felt a strong need to get rid of me, but somehow they did. Was it the lesbian thing? They seemed to be real people, but at least a couple of them saw fit to lie about me. I received a letter addressed to me yesterday that contained at least three lies about me. No one had, of course, bothered to ask me or talk with me; I simply received the letter that said some things that weren't very nice at all about me. Worse yet, those things weren't true. It'd be easy to blame it on the lesbian thing. And now, I sure do understand why many married women who are lesbians keep the lesbian part to themselves. But I think that the real problem with these people who lied about me is that they were afraid to look inside themselves; liberal as they claimed to be, they'd never run into a person like me, who, for many reasons, did not fit their mold. Instead of acting like an adult, these people took a very cowardly and childish way out. This kind of thing just goes to show that a person's true character eventually comes out. I have a clear conscience and the only thing I regret is that a small part of me was beginning to trust these people: I'd had them in my home. Lesson learned! I talked with my true friend T. this morning, whom I appreciate more than ever before, as I now do with all my real friends. She knows the scoop and sees this kind of collectivist mommy thinking and excluding all the time. I guess that's a problem that I have: If I can't trust people, I don't want to be their friend. Fortunately, I have a cadre of good friends and experiencing something awful like this, which has much more to do with other people than it does with me, I am ever more thankful for my real friends.

Craig's List Wrap-Up

2008-05-15T20:52:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe it's not quite a wrap-up, but anyway, this whole Craig's List thing is winding down. As always, there are the straight girls who are afraid to venture too far into their feelings for women lest they find out that they are not quite as straight as they thought. I can really relate. This whole thing scares me and that's probably why I write about it. I love my family and try to be very protective of our unit; would I want someone to interfere with that? I am thankful that I believe so strongly in marriage and that I have children who live with their mom and dad. The model that has worked for thousands of years seems to be in big trouble. Already, many children who have been born since my first, in 2000, are victims of divorce. One reason, I think, for this whole divorce thing is that many people believe that they have no control over whom they fall in love with, as if Cupid truly pulls back on his bow and shoots. It's a myth, folks! This whole Cupid thing! I sometimes want to say. Take some responsibility for yourself and your children and stick with the person that you had sex with in order to help create those lovely fruits of your loin. Divorce, adoption, and other family separators, including the lovely government schools, all take their toll on families and on society. Turns out that people used to stick together and work together, whole families even. Now, children grow up and can't wait to be free of mom and dad and we move across the country to escape the damage that's been done to us and we try to set up families of our own but somehow, often, it doesn't quite work. Multi-generational families who live together or close to each other can help each other. Many of us, having escaped the pain and damage of families, or lack thereof, try to establish new territory. Some of us make it; some of us don't. So far, I'm on the making it side and if I can help it, I plan to stay there.

So, if you answered my ad and are afraid, and this happens each and every time I place an ad stating that I am happily married, I understand a lot more than you might think.

Dear Flirt Boy

2008-05-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

I am sorry that in your marriage, you are "sexually frustrated," as you said in your e-mail. That e-mail was a reply to my e-mail, which asked the question: Why are you looking at the Women to Women section of Craig's List? Now that I have had time to ponder that question, I can't help but wonder why it is that you're not flirting with your wife. If, indeed, you are sexually frustrated, then why are you looking for women who like women? Of course, I am assuming here that your identity and e-mail are correct. Although we did not voice verify, as Craig's List parlance goes, I feel as though you're being honest. That's why I'm writing this letter, in fact. I like you. Or rather, I have no reason to dislike you.

Having said that, I have little time to flirt with my own husband, who, I might add, satisfies every need that I have of a man. The unsatisfied needs that I have can only be filled, I am quite sure, by a woman.

I mean no harm to you, Mrs. Flirt Boy, or future possibilities for Mrs. Flirt Boy. In fact, I wish all of you well. And I appreciate your contact with me. I'm intrigued that men like you are out there; I think you are being honest with me and I believe the predicament of your marriage. I also have a bit of sympathy for you, although I don't believe that flirting with another woman is your answer. My question for your wife is: Why is your husband sexually frustrated?!?

I've said it before and I'll say it again, this time with a bit more detail: Girls, all you have to do is lie back! If you are married, there is absolutely no use for your husband to be sexually frustrated. Period. End of Story.

I hope that you find some woman who will lie down every time you're in the mood. I hope that she is already married to you.

Now, straight women, when was the last time that you laid down for your man?

Craig's List, Again

2008-05-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

So in the midst of this crazy week, with the whole Canoga Park contest thing, which happened to include a Drunken Stalker (DS), who was eventually thrown out, thanks to Dante's watchful eye, and in the midst of sperm spinning, et al., I can't really think of a better time to place an ad on Craig's List. I've done this before and I don't really want to attract the lesbian market. I don't particularly like lesbians, other than, of course, me. Anyway, I actually received an e-mail from a guy who was "sexually frustrated" and wanted to "flirt" via e-mail, I'm assuming. It is odd that a guy would be purusing the "Women for Women" list, but then again, lots of people who post there say "No men" and I'm assuming there's a reason that their ad states this phrase.

I sent the guy a link to my blog and called it a day.

I figure that at the very least with this whole experience, I will hit some women who will appreciate my blog. I can't promote the blog specifically on Craig's List, but I can let people who e-mail me know about it. One beautiful thing about Craig's List is that it allows people to post anonymously, so there's no real danger just from posting an ad. I don't have a copy of my ad right now, but its headline is "Happily Married Mom" because that's what I am.

There are a couple of people who've written that I'm interested in talking with further. We'll see what happens.

France

2008-04-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

I should really be folding some clean laundry right now, but something reminded me of France and by golly, I'm going to write about it. Paris, to be more exact. Mr. Comic Mom/Thinking Mama and I went there shortly after our marriage and before we moved to California. I went to a gay bar. That's not the whole trip, of course. It wasn't as though I went there and went straight to a gay bar. It took a few days. Mr. CM/TM and I had plenty to do together. He went out to shoot pictures one night and I went to a gay bar. He knew that's where I was going and being that it was filled with lesbians, he had no desire to go. I seem to be the only lesbian that he cares about, which is fine by me. Perhaps on another blog at another time I'll discuss the wonderful time that Mr. CM/TM and I had on that trip, despite a couple of days in the American Hospital in Paris for him due to a stomach flu of some awful sort. A true adventure it was!

But I was in Paris. Newly married. I just had to go to a gay bar. You know how it goes. Okay. Maybe you don't know how it goes. Paris is a romantic city and French is the most romantic language that I know; French beats even Latin, which has way too many conjugations and cases to think of itself as romantic.

Back to the gay bar; this is, after all, a lesbian blog. Okay: So, I go across the Atlantic and meet a social wrecker in the bar. She was cute. I had been away from women for far too long. All we did was kiss and hold hands and ride the Metro and I figured that it would last me for a while, being that I'd just gotten married and everything. Besides, how long was I going to stay in Paris? As soon as I returned to North Carolina and started teaching again, things would be back to normal, right? I'd just have this one sort of fling to think about for the rest of my life.

It was a fabulous evening, made even better by the fact that she and I talked a couple of times after that night and that she wrote me after we got home. The language barrier, despite my attempts to speak fluent and perfect French, was a bit of a problem: I think she thought that I was living in California because Carolina sounds so much like it, probably, to a French person who's mainly lived in France. The irony, of course, is that I was planning to move to California; so, I tried to explain things, but eventually just let it go.

Anyway, it was bliss. It was the last time that I kissed a woman, for those who are wondering, and it sounds as though I could write the whole trip into some kind of French movie. It would have to be French even if it had occurred in Greenland. A newly married woman who goes to a gay bar in France and finds a social wrecker who's very attractive and they spend the evening together--well, that could only end up in a French film, couldn't it?

Am I a terrible person for doing this Paris thing? Am I horrible for writing about it? Perhaps. But then again, this is my lesbian blog, isn't it?

A Bunch of Stuff

2008-04-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted here. There's been a lot to write about lately, but I haven't just been writing on this blog.

Anyway, I picked up the disgusting-but-always-somewhat-attractive People magazine while in line this morning at Target. Jared (sp?), a new comic at Canoga Park Bowl, recently said something about a "man" on Oprah who is pregnant. The magazine today must have been following up on that Gay Agenda P.R. story (GAP). I looked at pictures and the thought of those pictures has been making me almost sick the rest of the day. I'm glad that I didn't read the entire article. I'm also glad that I didn't look at more of the pictures. I've seen pictures of transsexuals and I know that the whole Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender creed, as it's been deemed by those in charge, is supposed to be embraced by everyone. I know; I know. But I don't embrace anyone who has a sex change operation. As many women who love and want to keep their breasts but because of breast cancer, aren't able to, it seemed a real defiance to God and nature to see someone who'd purposely had her breasts removed. I'm not a big fan of operations, and I've had my share of unnecessary ones, including a rather traumatic tonsilectomy (not the operation itself, but the circumstances surrounding it were traumatic), but I can't see taking the body that God gave you, when it works perfectly fine, and doing something to it to defy that body so strongly. It seems wrong to me. And now this woman with an unnecessary mastectomy is pregnant. She's okay with not breastfeeding, saying that many other women don't breastfeed. Of course, the media are in hog heaven over this particular feat, calling God's creation a "man" instead of what she rightly is. Look, what you want to believe is your business. And I don't have any problem if two people of the same sex want to share a house and dress up as the opposite sex and do whatever for the rest of their life. That's not my business. If they're okay with it, I'm okay with it.

A side note here: I have recently run into people who are totally grossed out by the whole polygamy thing but who state that there's nothing at all wrong with two women cleaning house together (innuendo intended). Both those things have traditionally been looked upon as fringe elements. The promoters of gayism endorse the gay lifestyle and lifestyles that have been sanctioned by gayism, but
do not endorse other lifestyles that are alternative, such as polygamy, and yet the gayism promoters claim to be for all alternative lifestyles, or so it seems. Why is this? If I were into the polygamy thing, which I am, thankfully, not. But if I were, I would think that there would hardly be a better marriage arrangement for me, as a lesbian, than to be surrounded by other women. Damn! That'd be f'in' awesome. Oops! I got too excited there.

Back to the main point: I do think that having an operation on your private parts because you want to be a different sex is bizarre and dangerous and a real slap in the face to the God who created you, whether you mean it to be or not. And even though I think that you should have the right to do whatever you want to your body, I think that choice is a very strange one indeed. To cut your healthy breasts off voluntarily, however, and then bear a child seems like a real insult to your body indeed. And to your child.

Ovulation Week

2008-04-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

That's what it's been. You can read another one of my blogs to see stuff about sperm spinning and such, in order to have a girl. There's a long story there that I don't necessarily want to get into on this blog entry.

Let's just say that I've ovulated this week. When I ovulate, I think about women. I flirt with women. I adore women. Except, of course, that sometimes I hate them too. This week has been all about women. Some have thought that I was flirting with them and perhaps I was.

The Lesbian Mom Thing

2008-04-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about talking about the Lesbian Mom Thing this year for the Dante's Divine Comedy Valley Contest, or whatever it's called. People seem to dig it when they find out something that I've known for a while. So, I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, it's time to talk about being a lesbian mom who's happily married to a man.

But what would I say?

You know what's weird? When your son has a crush on the daughter of the mom that you have a crush on!

What do people want to know about being a lesbian and a mom who's happily married to my children's baby daddy?

Wishing I Were A Straight Girl

2008-04-06T14:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I do, you know. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to hold the esteemed penis in as high regard as I do its female counterpart, which Mike Muratore so eloquently names in what I hope will soon be our newest video. I wish I did love the cock as much as straight women seem to love it. Really. I do. But the beautiful thing is that I was around so many wonderful straight (I assume) women when I was growing up. I learned to pass for straight, which I pretend to be from time to time.

However, at the My Gym birthday party that I attended this morning, I felt no need to pretend to be anything other than my lesbian self. I even told a mom that I wish is a lesbian or a convertible straight girl, about how Mr. Comic Mom and I have been known to go to a topless bar on those rare occasions when we have a babysitter. In the interest of full disclosure, I used to work in a topless bar, thanks to my first girlfriend who also worked there. Little did I know then that I would one day be taking my husband to topless bars for date nights. I am even thinking about doing a video of the girls at the bar, who are very nice to talk with. I am and have always (well, since whenever it was that I found out what they are) been fascinated by topless bars.

So, I see no harm in helping a few of those girls make some money instead of paying the horrendous price of a movie and having all that money go to some Disney subsidiary. When we go to a topless bar, we're helping a local business and helping to fund the living expenses of some future great artists. One of the dancers at Star Gardens, for instance, is a cellist whose taught children in North Carolina. Uh-oh. I wrote that and the North Carolina State Legislature, socialist and totalitarian as it's sadly becoming, will now pass a law saying that everyone who comes within a mile of any child, at any time, will need to be fingerprinted to make sure that he or she has never worked in a topless bar. Unless, of course, it's one that North Carolina State Legislature members frequent.

Anyway, it was great to be able to be myself at a birthday party. Used to be, when we ran in different circles, that such events were filled with an artificial mirth, projected for artificial people in this artificial city. Today's party, however, seemed to contain a lot of real people. I'm making a few friends in the homeschooling community and most of them seem to be as real and as nice as comics.

Just Kidding About The Emo-Lesbian Thing

2008-04-05T13:31:00.001-07:00

Come to find out, from a loyal and lovely pink blog reader, lots of folks are describing themselves as "emo" these days. Perhaps that fact is due to the lack of emotional contact that we have with people these days, considering that the Internet has given us a means of connecting with people in ways that were once more or less unimagined. That's her theory and it sounds good to me.

But an "emo-lesbian"? I know that some people have even found this blog using that search term so evidently, it's only a hair's breadth away from the Physician's Desk Reference. But will it be yet another way that therapists, et al. can dismiss those of us who are lesbians, i.e., we desire women sexually? A therapist that I saw for 11 years once told me that I'm "not a lesbian." As if it's up to her to decide. One really big stride in my therapy is that I was able to tell her it is indeed not up to her to decide. And I am a lesbian. Well, I don't know if I ever got to that particular part with her. What is an "emo-lesbian" anyway?

But here's the deal: I find it very difficult to connect with women on an emotional level and I dislike most women. But I desire them sexually. It's not just an emo-thing with me: I've got a full case of lesbianism. And it doesn't seem to be going away

Perhaps I am an Emo-Lesbian

2008-04-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

I love that name. And if you read the comments under previous entries, you'll find the person who said it. It's one of those things that I wish I'd thought of. :) Or maybe it's cliche and I don't even know it.

Anyway, I am pleasantly surprised that I am attracting lesbians and lesbian-oriented folks to this blog. Often I don't explain things well enough, especially when I'm scurrying through a journal entry, trying to finish it. I'll tell you who my audience is currently: White Men Over 60. This audience, of course, includes my father and father-in-law, although (thank God!) to my knowledge, they never read this blog (or my others, for that matter). But those are the guys who really like me, no matter what. I was doing comedy at a breastfeeding store in Ventura about a year ago and although the breastfeeding moms really dug what I had to say, the one who really loved me? A man in his seventies. He was celebrating his 50th anniversary with his sweet wife and they have five children (three boys, then two girls--so I was intrigued by that). Men over 60 absolutely love me, especially if they're white and religious. As for the under 60 crowd, I'm slowly cultivating that audience as well. Men in their 50s tend to like me as well, especially the religious ones. I'm not saying yay or nay about this, simply examining the marketing facts as I've seen them. To attract lesbians who can read my writing and not get angry, and in fact, to have lesbians (and the lesbian-oriented) who are regular readers, is a real blessing indeed. I started this blog partially because I felt as though there were lots of other lesbians like me in situations like mine, but I wasn't sure, for a while, that these folks existed. It's fabulous to know that they do!

Mr. Comic Mom is putting Mike Muratore's set on video and we hope to have it up on MySpace soon. I'm going to have to intro it, of course, because it's not the kind of thing that children should listen to. Definitely. :)

Just one year ago, this whole lesbian thing was something that I kept mainly to myself, only mentioning occasionally to Mr. Comic Mom. Now, I write about it regularly. I guess that's progress. I certainly feel much better healthwise and I don't have to worry about being found out. Now people know. I'm not hiding a thing. I don't have a girlfriend and I don't know that I ever will. But I can certainly write about liking girls. I don't have to hide that part of me anymore and for that, I am extremely thankful.

Outed at the Canoga Park Bowl

2008-04-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

Even though I was shaking on the way to Canoga Park last night, I wasn't sure what was going on. I thought it was related to the uncertainty of life at the Gingerbread House lately, but uncertainty is always there, isn't it? What was different about last night's show is the Mike Muratore met me at the door almost and told me how proud he was that I had come out as a lesbian. "I knew there had to be something freaky about you," he said. True, I don't come across as a freak, but I must admit that the married lesbian thing can catapult even the most mundane Honda-Odyssey driving moms to freakdom. And so Mike did his set revolving around my being a lesbian mom. Then, Steve Pearl got up on stage, put his head through a plant with fronds (some kind of palm plant) and said, "Let's hear it for Lesbian Mom." Well, it was quite an evening, certainly. Evidently, word has gotten around the comic community, or at least the circle in which I run, that I'm a lesbian. Which is fine. I don't have to hide it anymore.

Thanks, Mike!

Lesbians!

2008-03-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

Pre-blog entry note: Mr. Comic Mom has a job--hooray!

I seem to be attracting lesbians to this blog. As some of you know, I don't particularly like lesbians, but I am certainly open to any who can change my mind. I can't help but believe that lots of girls are like me--lesbian and married to a man. We've all got our reasons. But we simply are the way that we are.

It's hard for a lot of people to understand all this and, in fact, one reason that I started this blog is because I want to be honest about this part of me. Or at least I don't want to hide it. It seems unimportant, perhaps, but it is very important.

The reigning ideology regarding gay people is that we must be in gay relationships and having gay sex. That simply isn't true. Whether or not I have sex with anybody, my sexuality doesn't seem to change. Just this weekend, I read, in Parade: America's Fabian Socialist Magazine, about famed lesbian Melissa Etheridge. Evidently, Julie Cypher was the brood mare in that relationship and now, Tammy Lynn Michaels is the new brood mare. Nowhere was mentioned the father: I think that's just wrong and I've stated it previously, probably ad nauseum.

I'm thankful that the father of my children is around for them every day. God and Nature certainly made a fabulous plan with the whole sex leads to children thing. Just because my sexual proclivity is for women doesn't mean that I have to have an anonymous sperm donor as a dad, or worse yet, take someone else's child via adoption. My guess is that married women with children have been lesbians for millenia.

We all have something in common with our husband and the father of our children: We sexually desire women. I look like a woman and am very much a woman, but I think, sexually, like a man.

Converting A Straight Woman

2008-03-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

I keep wanting to find that one straight woman, a homeschooling, breastfeeding mom like me, with whom to have this conversation:

Me: You straight women.

Her: Did I ever say that I was straight?

It's a fantasy conversation for me, hard to explain to heterosexual women. I think that every lesbian wants to convert, for lack of a better word, a supposedly straight woman. I am no exception.

The fact that it hasn't happened yet, coupled with my general dislike for most lesbians, is probably one reason that I'm happily married today. And yet, that particular conversation is one that I've craved, albeit with varying text, for most of my life. Even as a child, I think that there were certain boy-liking girls that I hoped to convert.

Anyway, I'm not sure that this woman exists. If she does, she's hiding mighty, mighty well.

What Was She Thinking?

2008-03-20T18:41:00.001-07:00

Oh, how dumb American women are becoming. And how they love, love, love to show ignorance in a public forum. I remember a few years ago when this apparently dumb ass New Jersey governor came out with some press conference and told everyone that he was a "Gay American." As if we need another hyphenated term.

Anyway, his wife, mother of his daughter, stood supposedly supportive, in the background. The media, who've totally ignored Ron Paul, rallied around the governor and the number of wives who had gay husbands in the U.S. suddenly tripled. Oprah had on wives of gay husbands and it was basically all over for any woman who happened to be married to a gay man, even if she and the dude were okay with their arrangement. I don't know if it all happened that way exactly or not. All I'm saying is that it was much ado about nothing--that's for sure.

Well, today's story about the Gay American New Jersey governor shows that his wife is no longer supportive and, in fact, wants her share of what she would have gotten as first lady, if her husband hadn't been shamed by the media, citizens, et al., or whatever she's blaming for the crisis. Meanwhile, Mr. Comic Mom and I try to blame no one and take care of each other, as our marriage vows stated, and try to keep on the straight and narrow, as much as possible. Does this governor's soon-to-be-ex-wife think that her soon-to-be-ex-husband can find no other work besides government work? If so, then I think her problems began long before he told the world he was gay.

Maybe it's not me, as my tea mug says, "maybe it's the rest of the herd." Indeed.

The Lord Doth Work In Mysterious Ways, Part Deux: Fight or Flight

2008-03-10T07:50:00.000-07:00

I sometimes worry about what people will say, which probably all writers do. Some writers conquer or otherwise deal with that fear; others do not. I am beginning not to care. People are going to say what they'll say. Currently, I'm writing a recipe article for a magazine that's targeted to new moms. I include a meatloaf recipe that's also found on my MySpace blog:
www.myspace.com/trishcomicmom

Vegetarians will complain! Who gives a crap?

Now, on to more important stuff. This blog is, in many ways, about sex. But you know what? I've rarely had time to think about sex lately. Mr. Comic Mom/Thinking Mama's job situation has me in a fight or flight mode, at least for now, and lesbians, sex, et al. in that particular arena are not much on my mind.

Still, I'm not saying that I don't enjoy looking from time to time at a pretty woman. One such woman happened to sit beside me at Bobbie Oliver's improv workshop at the Ice House on Saturday. If I weren't so worried, I reasoned, I'd really be attracted to her.

Ah, but the Lord doth work in mysterious ways and while I'm not going to confirm that my thoughts about another woman are anything that the Lord is intensely interested in, although He may well be, it may just be that this whole situation with Mr. Thinking Mama is helping me to focus on what's really important. If we spent more time as a society concerning ourselves with survival issues, such as, for instance, preparing for emergencies, we might have less time to allow our mind to wander into territory that might be best left alone. On the other hand, if people spent all their time preparing for emergencies, in a fight or flight mode, if you will, the population, it seems, would quickly decrease.

I'm Back to Hating Women, Again . . .

2008-03-02T06:08:00.000-08:00

Well, I suppose that "hate" is a strong word. And Lord knows, with the politically correct culture that the elite are crafting, with full support of the Oprah watchers, it will soon be illegal to hate anything or anyone. Now, I'm not saying it's good to hate, of course, but that it shouldn't be illegal.

But why am I hating women these days? Or maybe greatly disliking women is a better way to put it. Whatever the case, I've had a lot of weird encounters with women lately that have been less than satisfactory. And I don't mean romantic encounters, either. There was the February Craig's List babe, whom I wrote about in an earlier post. Then there were the two women this past week, at a homeschool day event, who offered some unsolicited advice about my children when each had no idea what she was talking about. The two unsolicited folks typify what most mothers are about these days: trying to raise other people's children. That's the Lizard Queen culture, which takes a supposed village to raise a child. I'll be fair here and say that there was also an encounter with a homeschooling mom in which the boys and I were discussing something and the mom told her son, very nicely, that the boys and I were having a conversation and that they needed to leave us alone for a few minutes: See? There's hope! But I'm surprised, although I shouldn't be, at how many mothers try to tell others how to raise their children. I've noticed, also, that many mothers seek such folks to hang around. I'm guessing that the desire to seek advice from other mothers is the same kind of thing that makes ridiculous books, such as The Baby Whisperer and ridiculous columnists, like John Rosemond, so popular. Many mothers are too insecure to figure out stuff for themselves and feel that they must go to someone like adopter Dr. Sears to tell them what to do. Instead of listening to their children and figuring out things, they immediately consult a Dr. Sears book, or whatever, to tell them how to handle a situation. I'm not saying that I don't learn something from other moms or that I haven't ever read anything from a book that I found useful. I'm just saying that a lot of moms rely on books, and on other moms, to tell them what to do: I'm obviously not one of them.

In a possibly related story, this lesbian stuff is waning right now; perhaps that is good. It doesn't mean that I'm not a lesbian and I'm not going to, as I have in the past, deny that part of myself exists. I'm just not focusing on it right now, which may, in part, having something to do with Mr. Comic Mom/Thinking Mama's need for a job at this moment.

Perusing Craig's List

2008-02-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

Thinking I can come on to a straight woman has got to go. I wish I could just not think of women and maybe one day that will be possible. But for now, if a woman flirts, or if I want her to, I imagine stuff that's not really there. It's not a fun thing to admit. So, I decided, perhaps, I'll do some videos on married lesbians and at least I'll meet people who are open to the concept. The concept, it turns out, is one that a lot of straight women seem not to be open to. Well, I guess that makes sense, really. So, I'm in the somewhat awkward but not intolerable position of being with straight women a lot, of having straight women think that I am one of them, and of wanting, sometimes, to kiss said women. Now here's a problem that straight men don't have to deal with: no one ever mistakes a straight man for a straight woman. I hate to say never. Perhaps it's better to say it's a rare mistake. But women look at me and have no idea how I'm thinking about them. Sometimes.

I met a girl on Craig's List; she was quick to tell me that she does not identify as a lesbian. This is the kind of girl I like. I fear that she thinks that I must be some real dykey looking thing, when the truth is that I don't like those kinds of women very much. I hate it when a few choice lesbians give all of us a bad name.

Anyway, I talked to her last night on the way to Canoga Park, this Craig's List girl. She has children and she wants not to identify as a lesbian. And she has a nice voice. Very nice. I can't help but wonder how that whole thing would work, though, a relationship with a woman who's open to, well, kissing and stuff. Would that be possible to do without hurting my family and myself?

Happy Valentine's Day!

2008-02-15T07:54:00.001-08:00

I'm a day late because we had lots of stuff to do yesterday, which is a wonderful reason not to write--because I'm too busy living. :)

Nonetheless, I want to ask all you straight women out there if you and your husband had sex on the big V-Day. You should have, you know! Straight women, I've noticed, often complain a lot and sometimes withhold sex from their husband. Don't do this. If nothing else, think of that whole: Wives, submit to your husband sentence from the Bible. But for goodness sake, the present he wants most is a good time in bed. Okay, I don't know your husband per se, but for Mr. Comic Mom, who is one of the straightest men I know, that's always a good present. I don't think he's alone though.

Now, if a lesbian can give this very important present to her husband, why don't you?!?

How to Tell L. That I Like Girls

2008-02-14T13:07:00.000-08:00

L. is what most mainstream people would call a "conservative Christian." We've been going to library storytime together for over a year. She dislikes the gay and lesbian agenda plan of teaching homosexuality in schools. I don't blame her. Part of why we homeschool is because it's up to me, and to every parent, to teach his or her child parental beliefs, whatever they may be. The government schools have an agenda and it seems to include catering to the gay agenda crowd. I'm gay, but I'm certainly not in that particular crowd. I don't believe in murdering gays or heterosexuals, but I believe that if somebody doesn't like me because I'm a lesbian, that's perfectly fine. There are many other reasons, of course, to dislike me.

The conversations that I've had with so-called Christian conservaties tend to be much better and more polite than with some of the lesbians I've come across. I've yet to tell L. that I'm gay; it's easy to avoid discussing being a lesbian when you're in the midst of making a craft for storytime. But my guess is that she'll be intrigued by my story. And that she'll be okay with me.

The Road Less Traveled?

2008-02-11T05:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I see the way things could have been. Saturday, we were in Los Feliz, which is like Chapel Hill, N.C. with celebrities. Mr. Comic Mom and the boys had pink eye and we went to our pediatrician's office. I absolutely love our pediatrician's office; it's the kind of place that helps you to be a good parent. There is a "No Spanking" sign, for instance; so instead of hitting a child, a parent must think of other ways to discipline. Everyone there is nice and friendly and truly centered on children. It is in an old house and breastfeeding is strongly encouraged. Fortunately, we've all been healthy and haven't been there in a while.

Afterwards, the boys were hungry, as always, and we went to Home Restaurant, which is right down the road from our pediatrician's office. Two lesbians came in. Well, I'm assuming here, but I'm usually pretty good at guessing some of these things. The femme one was very pretty and blonde. She had on a Wonder Woman t-shirt. Here I was with my three children, hoping soon to be pregnant with the fourth healthy child. They probably had no idea that I'd ever been with a woman. I looked like a straight housewife from the San Fernando Valley.

That time reminded me of the time I was pregnant with Caleb, sitting at Lilly's Pizza in Raleigh. I'd gone to North Carolina for the weekend and I saw a table of what seemed very much to me like lesbians. One was extremely pretty and could easily have had any guy she wanted, I'd guess. I remember thinking then how much that particular scene had become out of the question for me, of being with a bunch of lesbians. After all, I was about to become a mother. I was happily married. I was very okay with my decisions in life, but still, I pondered my life on that other road, the road in which I was an extremely out card-carrying lesbian, with no man around and perhaps with a girlfriend.

I did a similar kind of pondering on Saturday. I thought about my life and the choices I've made. I am so extremely happy and thankful for my family and my wonderful husband. A part of me wondered how it would feel to be sitting with that pretty blonde girl on a Saturday morning. I'm guessing that I will always see scenes such as that one and imagine myself in them sometimes. I would certainly rather be where I am than be the other way: Sitting with a pretty blonde girl and wishing I had a family.

There's no doubt that I've made the right decision in being married to a man and having children with him. Still, sometimes I see glimpses of my life as it might have been if I'd made other decisions. I'm extremely thankful for the decisions I've made. I try to make decisions that when I'm, say, 80, I'll be happy with. Having a family, with a loving father included, is the best decision that I can make, for me and for my children. I can glance at the road more traveled by the average lesbian, but for me, the road less traveled is the best decision.

What If A Lesbian Has A Crush On You?

2008-02-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

I know that I've written, somewhat sarcastically perhaps, that I figured I was gay the first time that I was with a woman physically. Did we have sex? Well, that's a strange question when you're talking about two women, isn't it? We were certainly intimate in a way that I'd never been previously with a woman. But wasn't that just a phase? An experiment? A weird result of drinking a bottle of wine between us?

I figured it was, so much so that I married. A good marriage, it seemed, would rectify the situation. It didn't, though. Turns out it sort of amplified it. Somehow. I'm not sure how to explain that part, or what there is to explain.

So, we divorced. Well, it wasn't at all that simple, of course. I found myself having a very, very strong crush on my best friend, S. After a while, she knew that I liked girls, but I don't know that she ever knew about my crush on her. She was happily married and I liked her husband. They eventually had a baby. The reason that J. and I divorced, by the way, was not wholly because of the lesbian thing; that part was a contributor, but it was not the sole reason. Therefore, S. helped me to see that getting out of the marriage, however painful it may have been at the time, was indeed the best option. There were times we were together that I pretended I was dating her. Well, in my mind I was, but I never told her this.

Things kind of drifted and she and I haven't had a lot of contact, but at the time, she was extremely important in many ways to me. Here's the thing: To get over her, I started dating women. In fact, S. helped me look through answers to my personal ad. I'm certainly over her now and probably the reason that I liked her so much had to do with timing and with our similar backgrounds; she is an adoptee and was raised in a small town. Still, I realized that the relationship between her and me was like the one in that poem, "Ode to a Grecian Urn," in which the guy was forever stuck in a perpetual state of chasing the woman he loved. I was like the guy on the urn.

Still, I reacted to my crush and the inevitability of any success from it by dating women. That's just another way that I know I'm a lesbian.

But here's what I'm wondering: What would S. do if she knew that I had a crush on her? Or has she always known?

Straight Women and Firefighters

2008-02-06T18:01:00.000-08:00

Just today, the lovely and polite M., a homeschooling mom, told me at park day that she went to her local fire station, baked the guys some cookies, and asked if the fire truck could come to her son's birthday party. They said they couldn't guarantee anything, of course, but they ended up coming to the party, right after a fire! Sounds cool, of course, from a child's perspective, but M. reminded me that not only the children would like firefighters, but also the women. Well, those who are straight, anyway. I keep forgetting about most straight women's lust for firefighters. I used to nod in agreement to that kind of remark, but now that I no longer have to pretend to be straight, I can say it as it is: I think of firefighters more or less the way that Mr. Comic Mom, one of the straightest men on earth, thinks of firefighters. I so appreciate M's giving me the straight woman's point of view, something that I sorely lack. So, if we can do this fire truck thing for my five-year-old's party, I can not only please the children but also the straight moms--sweet!

Going for the Girl!

2008-02-03T07:33:00.000-08:00

Ah-ha! You thought this post was about a girl, as in about some girl I'd been looking at. But it's not. It's about going for a daughter, as in my daughter. Why do I mention trying to conceive a daughter, or a son for that matter, on this lesbian blog? Because I have been doing quite a bit of work in the last year--emotional work, mainly with Steve at ECCM--on why I have yet to successfully conceive a daughter. Yesterday, I got my period after having what seemed like a very clear dream last week with the word "daughter" in it. I had thought, perhaps, that I was pregnant with a daughter. But my period came exactly as expected, on the 28th day of my cycle. It's funny how I always seemed to have wildly erratic, or at least long, cycles until the birth of my first child. After that, I've mostly had 28-day cycles. Or as Sara, who does my brows, told me once: "It's as though you're body said, 'This is what I need to do'." If you're thinking about getting pregnant and you get your period, it is the second best thing that could happen to you. There are many women out there who would like to have a regular period and who do not. I am thankful indeed that my reproductive organs seem to be working beautifully. And I was pregnant this past fall, until I had a miscarriage; so everything seems to be working just fine, for which I am extremely thankful. Nobody is particularly worried at this point; my doctor would say keep trying, and I know that each month, there's only a 25% chance or so that a woman gets pregnant, when everything is working as it should. So, maybe I'm just being a bit impatient. I'll keep trying, of course.

Why am I mentioning this whole thing on this blog? I've talked briefly about this answer previously, but I'll explain in more detail. I was thrilled to find out I was pregnant this past September. All during the pregnancy, however, I kept having dreams of women, lesbian dreams. I also happened to dream that this pregnancy was a boy. I didn't particular care to have lesbian dreams, but that's what my psyche was doing. After the miscarriage, I went back to work with Steve a bit. To explain what he does, he basically tests your muscles to see where there are weaknesses. He can check your body's organs to see if they're holding any emotional stuff in them. I know that this kind of thing sounds really weird to those who are only used to mainstream medicine's pop-a-pill attitude for physical ailments, but the idea behind this whole muscle testing thing is that we can find the emotional roots of physical ailments. I'm a strong believer that emotional issues can affect your physical body. We found, in my uterus, a bundle of emotion, for lack of perhaps a better term, that dealt with the first time I was with a woman physically and the issues surrounding that time. There was a lot going on at that time and the first thing I did after things cooled down a bit was to call my boyfriend at the time. Dumb. Really dumb. But then again, I didn't know what else to do. We cleared that, as Steve and I do when these emotional issues come up. Perhaps there are more things to clear before I become pregnant. And while I will be overjoyed to have a daughter, I will also be fine with having another wonderful son, something I didn't quite feel in September, when I was adamant about only having a daughter. We've worked a lot on these emotional issues and I'm ready for a baby, no matter if it's a boy or girl. I want another healthy, chromosomally normal baby.

Perhaps now that we've cleared my uterus, that dream will come true.

I would like to apologize to my old boyfriend for that untactful move of mine. It must have really shaken him.

Men Are Welcome At This Blog!

2008-01-30T00:44:00.000-08:00

Just today, I received an e-mail from an online "community" of women-who-love-women-and-are-in-relationships or something. A well-meaning lesbian asked me to join. I checked it out. I also look occasionally at the Lavender Visions site. Much as I admire the site's owner, Joanne, who has given me some good advice, I abhor the way that it often turns into an isn't-it-great-that-I'm-leaving-my-husband site. I've had some online off-message-board contact with some people who post there and they feel more or less the same way. Aren't there any happy lesbians? I've wondered about this question for years.

The "community" sent me an application form earlier today. I wish I'd saved it, but I was so disgusted I simply tossed it in the e-mail trash can. In all caps was a warning that no men were allowed! Period. End of story. As it always seems to be with this kind of message board. Then we wonder why mainly angry lesbians seem to post.

Personally, I think that men are fascinated by this subject and most--the non-psychos, that is--really want to learn more. Men are welcome at this blog. Always. Glad to have you reading!

Why, oh, why does a lesbian community have an application form? What is this world a-comin' to?